Monday, May 31, 2010
Loss of a child is NEVER easy
This morning the nurse came in to do our routine heart rate monitoring. She had a hard time finding the boys heart rate so she asked another nurse to come in and try as well. She couldnt find it either. Josh even tried. So the on call Dr came in with a bedside ultrasound machine and he couldnt find the baby either. He called the ultrasound tech and after an hour they finally came in and I instantly knew. You can usually see the heart beating & there was nothing. You could see hers but not his. she was so active and flying around and he just laid there. We were devastated. I tried to hang on to hope but the nurse rubbed my foot and I lost it and then Josh. Just feel so helpless! I tried to keep him in and do what I could do. The only thing that is keeping us going is the nicu & on call dr today both told us that rupturing so early more than likely means he probably wouldnt develop lungs and they wouldnt have been able to ventilate his lungs. So knowing that I did all I could and gave him the best I could is what we are hanging onto right now! Its so hard right now, but we have one miracle left we still have to fight for! I have to stay positive and continue to fight to keep her in! I will NOT lose another! Im determined! Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us and supported us! Our amazing, wonderful, caring, supportive family and friends have carried us thru the good and the bad! Josh & I can not even begin to express our gratitude!