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Monday, April 2, 2012

New Arrival.....

Josh is going to be a daddy in October, and I think its mine!!!

Josh and I are excited to share that we are expecting number 3 on October 8, 2012! Yes, number 3!I have two children. Ayden and Brielle! A few people have said, “congrats on number 2!”No, it’s number 3! Yes, physically it’s two, but in my heart I have 3 children. One living, One in heaven, and one in-utero! It makes me kind of sad to think that Ayden may have been forgotten already. He’s been left out. One mom of an angel baby acknowledged Ayden. That meant the world!

We got to see baby on Friday. It still does not seem real. Josh and I were not “trying.” I honestly didn’t know if we’d be able to get pregnant unassisted. Guess I found that answer out! It is a welcomed blessing tho! I am 13 weeks today. I decided to wait this “long” to say anything because 1. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant! 2. The risk of miscarriage was on my mind heavily! 3. I’m scared to freaking death! But now that cats out of the bag, I hope everyone will shoot us prayers for a full term healthy baby!

I am going to the same OB I had with the twins. She knows my history, which was a plus for me. She knows my fears! The first appt was at 9 weeks. 4 tubes of blood, pap, cultures, heart beat check…..Which she couldn’t find, but wasn’t freaking since I know that’s early to find it. Second appt was just for a heart beat check at 12w4d and again, no heartbeat. The whole Doppler and jelly on my stomach brought back so much anxiety from being on bed rest with the twins. When I was on bed rest, they would do heartbeat checks 4 times a day ish. So the month I was in the hospital I had approximately 96 doppler checks on both babies. Pretty routine as well as temp checks and blood pressure checks. So the second that jelly hit my belly and the first swoosh of the Doppler, my anxiety hit. My doctor knew it. She kept asking if I was ok and reassuring me that the babies little and it takes awhile to find the heart if at all. So after about 3 minutes of trying the second appointment she said “come on, let’s go to show you everything’s okay on ultrasound.” OK whole new wave of emotions! Let me take you back to my bed rest days so you can fully understand why I’m having anxiety…..Heartbeat check, roughly 9am May 31. Nurse could not find Ayden’s heartbeat. She tried and tried and went to find a “senior” nurse that was really good at it. Josh, in the meantime, tried to find his son. Senior nurse came in to try and she couldn’t try. I could tell by the look on her face, but I didn’t want to give up hope yet. I didn’t lie in that bed 3 weeks 3 days and come this far to give up yet! She couldn’t find him either, anxiety sets in. She called the on call doctor who brought in a bed side ultrasound, which is not as good quality as the ultrasound tech would have, but I would take anything. He couldn’t even find Ayden. He thought maybe I was going into labor, even tho I didn’t feel it, and Ayden was already in the birth canal. So the ultrasound team was called. It took them a little over an hour to get there. It seemed like eternity! Once she got there, as soon as the screen popped up, I knew. No one needed to tell me. The nurse squeezed my toe and that said it all. I immediately welled up in tears. Josh tried to stay strong, but he reached his breaking point too. My rock crumbled. The sight of Brielle was on the left side of the screen, swimming around like crazy. Ayden on the left. No heart beat. No movement. My last image of my little boy. Dead. He had fought all he could. He got his sister to “viability.” My little boy had lost his fight. I had failed my children. NOW what? We didn’t know. We didn’t know what this now meant for Brielle. I felt there was no going on. But I still had one to fight for. She was only 1 days past “viability.” Our doctor wanted to obviously leave her in the womb as long as possible. So the plan was to monitor me and the baby to the nines! I had those dreaded straps on my belly and because Brielle was too small, a nurse pretty much sat on the bed next to me and kept moving the monitor with her because she had so much room as she was only 1 pound 6 ounces! I had temp checks every 3 hours. The criteria of taking Brielle immediately were if my Temp went up or if Brielle’s heart rate went over 170. After awhile the monitoring got more intense. My nurse, Heather, who admitted me that night my water broke, happened to be my nurse that night. I hadn’t had her much in between. June 1, I started going into labor around noon and by 6 it was unbearable. I asked Heather straight out from her experience what she thought was going to happen. She said I’d have a baby tonight. I had already signed all the consent forms etc etc. It was reality. This was REALLY happening. Brielle born at 8:52pm 1lb 6oz 12” long. Ayden born 8:52pm 1lb 4.3oz 12” long. After 98 days in the hospital my baby was home.

So as you can tell, the dopplers and the ultrasounds DEFINITELY bring back fears and anxiety. I tried so flippin hard to NOT think about the past and focus on a happy, healthy, worry free pregnancy, but that most likely won’t happen. My doctor has a very high risk cautious plan. She has me coming in at 16, 18, 20 weeks for cervical length checks. Those are done by Trans vaginal ultrasound. I will also start progesterone shots at 18-36 weeks to help stop any preterm labor. Our plan is thru 20 weeks right now as that’s as far as I made it last time. She brought up the option of going to see a high risk perinatologist. That doctor specializes in high risk woman and will do more in depth ultrasounds and scans. I was going to see one with the twins. The day before my water broke, the ultrasound showed that Brielle was growing slower than Ayden so it was a concern. I never made it to him. My OB had talked and consulted with him the whole time I was in the hospital however.

I have several near and dear friends close to my heart that are currently pregnant or have been pregnant after their loss and prematurity or pprom. Mary said to me “We are in this together.” Yes, yes we are! We are the same exact due date! Another mama, Jess, is 29 weeks. She lost a 24 weeker as well. She is expecting a boy! She is my inspiration! The power of prayer is incredible. I learned that fast with Brielle. We are going to do this! We are having a baby!