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Monday, April 2, 2012

New Arrival.....

Josh is going to be a daddy in October, and I think its mine!!!

Josh and I are excited to share that we are expecting number 3 on October 8, 2012! Yes, number 3!I have two children. Ayden and Brielle! A few people have said, “congrats on number 2!”No, it’s number 3! Yes, physically it’s two, but in my heart I have 3 children. One living, One in heaven, and one in-utero! It makes me kind of sad to think that Ayden may have been forgotten already. He’s been left out. One mom of an angel baby acknowledged Ayden. That meant the world!

We got to see baby on Friday. It still does not seem real. Josh and I were not “trying.” I honestly didn’t know if we’d be able to get pregnant unassisted. Guess I found that answer out! It is a welcomed blessing tho! I am 13 weeks today. I decided to wait this “long” to say anything because 1. I couldn’t believe I was pregnant! 2. The risk of miscarriage was on my mind heavily! 3. I’m scared to freaking death! But now that cats out of the bag, I hope everyone will shoot us prayers for a full term healthy baby!

I am going to the same OB I had with the twins. She knows my history, which was a plus for me. She knows my fears! The first appt was at 9 weeks. 4 tubes of blood, pap, cultures, heart beat check…..Which she couldn’t find, but wasn’t freaking since I know that’s early to find it. Second appt was just for a heart beat check at 12w4d and again, no heartbeat. The whole Doppler and jelly on my stomach brought back so much anxiety from being on bed rest with the twins. When I was on bed rest, they would do heartbeat checks 4 times a day ish. So the month I was in the hospital I had approximately 96 doppler checks on both babies. Pretty routine as well as temp checks and blood pressure checks. So the second that jelly hit my belly and the first swoosh of the Doppler, my anxiety hit. My doctor knew it. She kept asking if I was ok and reassuring me that the babies little and it takes awhile to find the heart if at all. So after about 3 minutes of trying the second appointment she said “come on, let’s go to show you everything’s okay on ultrasound.” OK whole new wave of emotions! Let me take you back to my bed rest days so you can fully understand why I’m having anxiety…..Heartbeat check, roughly 9am May 31. Nurse could not find Ayden’s heartbeat. She tried and tried and went to find a “senior” nurse that was really good at it. Josh, in the meantime, tried to find his son. Senior nurse came in to try and she couldn’t try. I could tell by the look on her face, but I didn’t want to give up hope yet. I didn’t lie in that bed 3 weeks 3 days and come this far to give up yet! She couldn’t find him either, anxiety sets in. She called the on call doctor who brought in a bed side ultrasound, which is not as good quality as the ultrasound tech would have, but I would take anything. He couldn’t even find Ayden. He thought maybe I was going into labor, even tho I didn’t feel it, and Ayden was already in the birth canal. So the ultrasound team was called. It took them a little over an hour to get there. It seemed like eternity! Once she got there, as soon as the screen popped up, I knew. No one needed to tell me. The nurse squeezed my toe and that said it all. I immediately welled up in tears. Josh tried to stay strong, but he reached his breaking point too. My rock crumbled. The sight of Brielle was on the left side of the screen, swimming around like crazy. Ayden on the left. No heart beat. No movement. My last image of my little boy. Dead. He had fought all he could. He got his sister to “viability.” My little boy had lost his fight. I had failed my children. NOW what? We didn’t know. We didn’t know what this now meant for Brielle. I felt there was no going on. But I still had one to fight for. She was only 1 days past “viability.” Our doctor wanted to obviously leave her in the womb as long as possible. So the plan was to monitor me and the baby to the nines! I had those dreaded straps on my belly and because Brielle was too small, a nurse pretty much sat on the bed next to me and kept moving the monitor with her because she had so much room as she was only 1 pound 6 ounces! I had temp checks every 3 hours. The criteria of taking Brielle immediately were if my Temp went up or if Brielle’s heart rate went over 170. After awhile the monitoring got more intense. My nurse, Heather, who admitted me that night my water broke, happened to be my nurse that night. I hadn’t had her much in between. June 1, I started going into labor around noon and by 6 it was unbearable. I asked Heather straight out from her experience what she thought was going to happen. She said I’d have a baby tonight. I had already signed all the consent forms etc etc. It was reality. This was REALLY happening. Brielle born at 8:52pm 1lb 6oz 12” long. Ayden born 8:52pm 1lb 4.3oz 12” long. After 98 days in the hospital my baby was home.

So as you can tell, the dopplers and the ultrasounds DEFINITELY bring back fears and anxiety. I tried so flippin hard to NOT think about the past and focus on a happy, healthy, worry free pregnancy, but that most likely won’t happen. My doctor has a very high risk cautious plan. She has me coming in at 16, 18, 20 weeks for cervical length checks. Those are done by Trans vaginal ultrasound. I will also start progesterone shots at 18-36 weeks to help stop any preterm labor. Our plan is thru 20 weeks right now as that’s as far as I made it last time. She brought up the option of going to see a high risk perinatologist. That doctor specializes in high risk woman and will do more in depth ultrasounds and scans. I was going to see one with the twins. The day before my water broke, the ultrasound showed that Brielle was growing slower than Ayden so it was a concern. I never made it to him. My OB had talked and consulted with him the whole time I was in the hospital however.

I have several near and dear friends close to my heart that are currently pregnant or have been pregnant after their loss and prematurity or pprom. Mary said to me “We are in this together.” Yes, yes we are! We are the same exact due date! Another mama, Jess, is 29 weeks. She lost a 24 weeker as well. She is expecting a boy! She is my inspiration! The power of prayer is incredible. I learned that fast with Brielle. We are going to do this! We are having a baby!


  1. I wish u the best! And prayers will be sent. But enough with the pitty. There comes a time when you have to move on and think nothing about positive and never mention the negative. Your daughter is a miracle no doubt and you need to show your gratefulness 110% of the time. Bringing up the past will or thinking about the past will eventually show through and people will soon notice including your daughter as she gets older. Never dwell on the past. It can't be changed. Enjoy today, live for tomorrow stay positive and everything will fall into place. My husband and I lost our son at 9 months and almost lost our friends and family because we could not get over the death of our baby. I've read your story and see a lot of myself. I look forward to reading your progress with your new baby but please try and keep what happened with your son in the past. It's not fair for your daughter and your child on the way. God Bless!

    1. Excuse me!!! But I don't think it would be fair to NOT talk to Brielle and her future brother or sister about Ayden!!! This family is all about love! Whether they are here with us now or in heaven! There is noone that can take the LOVE this family has together away nor should they want too! Ayden will always be a part of their lives he will never be forgotten. When I look at Brielle I can not help but think of Ayden! Why would someone want to put thier son in the past? Thats just not right...not in my book anyway!

      Grandma Cindy

  2. Wow... Aren't we the supportive one and can't even post your name to take ownership of it. Since you also have lost a child you should know everyone handles it different. For you to tell Amber to get over it is so rude. Amber knows she has a miracle and is a great advocate for her and does the everything she can to help that little girl have the best life ever. Just because she wants to keep her sons memory alive doesn't make her a bad person. She wants her daughter and future child know what a amazing miracle he is. I feel sorry for you that you almost loss friends and family because you couldn't get over your sons death. What great support you have. This is Ambers place to vent if you don't want to support her with positive feedback then why read it?
    What normal person would not have some anxiety about having another baby after everything she has gone thru. She didn't ask you for pity she asked for prayers and support.

    Karen M
    (I will put my name in mine)

    1. Thank you! Being a mom that has unfortunately had to be in a loss position, Im grateful you understand and back me! You. are a good friend!

  3. Amber, Ayden will always be in our lives, I will never forget my nephew!!!!
    I am not sure how you are "Anonymous" but I talk to and hang out with my sister all the time she is not meaning to get "pitty" so please do not say stop with the pitty! Your past experiences shape the person you are today, tomorrow, and the rest of your live.
    She has moved forward but Ayden will always be in our family and a part of our everyday lives. My son being 5 has a star that is Ayden in the sky and he says good night to him and talks to him about all of his other "star - friends."
    Amber and Josh are a million times grateful!!! Not just 110%. With losing your son you should know that it you just can not one day say.. you know what lets stop dwelling on him (Which is not what they are doing).. lets forget.. I know you did not say "forget" but that's what it sounds like. Ayden will always be a part of Brielle's life. She will grow up knowing she had a twin and that he fought for her! Ayden will always be a part of birthday's, christmas, and other holiday's. When you loss someone you will always think of them.

    Ayden and Brielle's
    Auntie M (Emily)

    1. Thank you! From personal experience!

    2. I agree with you whole heartedly. i wont forget Ayden but I dont sit and dwell on him. They obviously dont know me very well. Im forever gratefull of my awesome support system. an my adorable nephew, who at 5 can still melt my heart by NOT forgetting Ayden daily!!

  4. Amber don't let rude comments bother you. If they dont like reading YOUR blog then they should leave. I love reading your posts . I don't feel that you're looking for pity. I hope you never let Brielle and BABY #3 forget Ayden. Why wouldn't you talk about him, people talk about grandparents about they pass away. I had a lot more written before but my little Trouble deleted it so just know that I'm extremely excited for you and wish you the best of luck for a healthy happy full term baby and a as stress free pregnancy as possible. I know easier said than done. Believe me I know.


  5. If ppl dont want to know ur feelings then they should just not read ur blogs. Ive lost a baby and will never forget him/her. Its not being negative, that baby was a big part of our lives and should NEVER be forgotten!

  6. Amber - CONGRATS on your pregnancy!!! How wonderful! Such a blessing! Wishing you a HH9M!! Fingers crossed for an uneventful pregnancy this time! =)