Loss of a child is NEVER easy

This morning the nurse came in to do our routine heart rate monitoring. She had a hard time finding the boys heart rate so she asked another nurse to come in and try as well. She couldnt find it either. Josh even tried. So the on call Dr came in with a bedside ultrasound machine and he couldnt find the baby either. He called the ultrasound tech and after an hour they finally came in and I instantly knew. You can usually see the heart beating & there was nothing. You could see hers but not his. she was so active and flying around and he just laid there. We were devastated. I tried to hang on to hope but the nurse rubbed my foot and I lost it and then Josh. Just feel so helpless! I tried to keep him in and do what I could do. The only thing that is keeping us going is the nicu & on call dr today both told us that rupturing so early more than likely means he probably wouldnt develop lungs and they wouldnt have been able to ventilate his lungs. So knowing that I did all I could and gave him the best I could is what we are hanging onto right now! Its so hard right now, but we have one miracle left we still have to fight for! I have to stay positive and continue to fight to keep her in! I will NOT lose another! Im determined! Thank you to everyone that has prayed for us and supported us! Our amazing, wonderful, caring, supportive family and friends have carried us thru the good and the bad! Josh & I can not even begin to express our gratitude!

23 weeks 6 days!

Yup, that means 24 weeks tomorrow!!!!! Alot happening tomorrow!!! Glucose test! Steroid shots! Monitoring starts tomorrow! & Meet with the NICU! Very exciting and very overwhelming! But we hit our first goal!!! Next goal 28 weeeks! Come on June 27!!!!

Gaining Weight!

Had our ultrasound this morning, & I just asked the tech what the fluids & weights were at since I'm impatient!! He gladly told me!!
Baby A is weighing in at 1 lb 8 oz. give or take 4 oz since he is so squished with low fluid its hard to get an accurate weight. 4 weeks ago he was 15 0z. His fluids the same (2.3cm) which Im still not sure how I feel on that one. I lost ALOT of fluid Wed night & tried to hammer the fluids yesterday so maybe it was lower yet. But on the other hand Im just glad he didnt lose more and atleast stayed the same. The tech did say his bladder was full so it would go up more, as long as I dont leak more. Its just a vicious cycle! He is head down laying acrossed my pelvis. Heart beat was 146.
Baby B is weighing 1 lbs 5 oz. She was 13 oz. 4 weeks ago. Her fluid is at 13cm. Big difference from her brothers :( She is laying acrossed my belly with her head to my left side & her back about my belly button. She was very active! Her arms are always flying around!! Heart beat was 157.

More of a reality!

Dr was in this morning! Growth ultrasound & fluid check Fri. Glucose test Sunday. First round of Betamethasone steroid shot Sunday second on Monday. She said were doing great! Keep up the good work!! 24 weeks is just around the corner! I watch making room for multiples everyday at 1. This mom today had quads!!! They had some difficulties but nothing major! I missed what week they were born tho. Kind of inspiring!

Still going good!

Same ol news here today!! Good heart beats yet! A was in the 140s & B is in the 150s. Still fighting in there!! Just counting down til Sunday!!!!

Puppies

My moms dog had puppies today!! 5 boys 1 girl! Lost 2 :( Too bad we couldnt be pregnant for 60 some days like they are! lol Nothing new here. Quiet! But thats okay!! Dont want no major news unless its good news!!! Nurse just did heartbeats and A was kicking her away galore lol. Little stinker already! Its like they have attitudes already! lol The girl swims away and the boy kicks it away lol Its funny tho to feel and to hear him kicking her. Thats about all the exciting news I have!!

FLUIDS UP!!!!

Well heading says it all! Fluids up!! Baby A went from 1.1 last week (we were told 1.6) to 2.2 and for the first time Ive heard Baby B was 9.06 last week and now she is at 11.6!! So good numbers! Dr. Ramsey was VERY pleased!! She said for being in here 2 wks 3 days that we are doing great! Shes loving the fluids going up! I have to do the standard glucose test Sunday for gestastional diabetes and then after the test is done I start the steroids Sun. Cant start til test is done because steroids raise your blood sugar. Then Monday I will get the second dose of steroids. Then we wait some more!! And when the babies decide to come (crossing fingers for AFTER 28 weeks-July 1st) then they will give me one more dose of emergency steroids. So seems pretty promising! Lots of good news! Did a culture to make sure infection is gone so I hope it is!! Babys are very active today!!! Even ultrasound guy said that! lol Kicking me galore!! Fun to feel tho! Josh still tries to feel them and tries to rile them up every night. What are dads for huh! lol He doesnt just do that to his nephews!!! hehe

23 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY! we made it to 23 week!!! That means in a week we can start steroids and every week after that the babies chances increase!!! Feels like we are getting somewhere now!!! Did I say YAY??? YAY! I think the whole experience has just taken everything out of us! But in the end it will be so worth it!!

Another Saturday Down!

No new news! Everything is staying the same! Which is better in my opinion than other news! We want bit to stay like his for one more week! Ultrasound is moved to Monday now. So I will update as soon as I know anything!

Furbaby Day

So we were supposed to have our ultrasound for fluid check & they never did it! Very peeved! How can you know if the babies are doing well if they dont do the weekly checks? Ugh!! My furbabies were here tho today!! Room is covered in dog hair!!! My baby chloe, wouldn't even look at me :( Shes not happy with me!! She started to warm up at the very end but still kind of distant. She would sit next to the bed but wouldnt look at me and when I'd call her over she would ignore me. Gabbi on the other hand is always so cheerful and kept pushing chloe out of the way!! Maybe next time she will be happier to see me! And Josh will bring a broom lol.

Almost 2 weeks down!

Tomorrow at 3am will mark 2 weeks! lol Seems to went pretty fast I must say!! I hope the rest go faster tho! lol Tomorrow we have another fluid check! & my furbabies get to come up!!!!!!! So I am excited!!! Baby A has made himself at home right on my lovely bladder!! So besides feeling like I have to pee every 5 min, I'm doing pretty good!!

Babies ARE growing!!

Babies are definately growing!!! I asked Josh last night if it looks like my tummy has grown and he said yes. The first thing the doctor tells me when she walks in is "I see the babies are growing thats good" Hard for me to tell when I'm not standing. Heartbeats are looking good today! Nomore scares!!!

Emotions run high!

Pretty emotional day so far! Ive cried all day! Hormones are so high! Took heart beats this morning and a was 176 and B was 148. Normal hb is 120-170 so we knew A was high and I kinda questioned the nurse and she said it sounded fine just accelerated. So I took her word. Dr. Ramsey came in and asked me what the hbs were and she was concerned at the 176. She said that it could mean many things. Such as it was just accelerated for a min, his cord is pinched, he isnt getting enough fluid (&I leaked alot last night so I worried) or he got the infection I had. All was possible and she couldnt tell me exactly why he was so high. So she ordered for the nurses to recheck his hb. And I raised some questions about a possible bladder infection so she had them do that. They found out that his heartbeat now dropped to 140. I havent heard back from Dr. but I'm assuming it is ok and it was just accelerated. Another mom on my support group had her girl at 178 this morning and now shes at 144. So Not uncommon but when the doctor tells you more bad scenerios than good who wouldnt lose it! I did! My urine came back and theres blood in it. I asked the nurse what causes that and she said Kidney infection or stones. She wanted to talk to Dr ramsey before she said anymore.

Another Monday

Dr. was in this morning and said I have another infection. Another hurdle in this journey!!! Starting me on more antibiotics. Noone said this was going to be easy but man, I never thought this hard either! Each day the little Ps are in there is a greater chance for survival! Thats all we are working on now!!! A's heartbeat was 160 this morning. I felt pain and I showed the nurse and she put the doppler there and sure enough he was in there doing back flips or who knows!! He dropped to 148 at the 9am one. Decided to sleep then I suppose. B was 148 the first one so sleeping, unusual for her! And 155 at 9am. Still holding well!!

Chillin like a Villian

Dr. West was in early this morning and said everything looks good and he wishes he had a crystal ball to tell us what the end outcome would be, but unfortunately he just cant! Which we know and probably thats the hardest part is taking it minute by minute and just waiting! Emily and Anthony have spent all morning with me and Mike stole Josh to go shoot sporting clays. Anthony says to me "whatchya doing auntie Amber?" and I replied "chillin" he says "chillin like a villian?" lol I laughed so hard!!! The things this 3 year old says!! It was kind of like he had chicken nuts for lunch Friday. lol He meant nuggets. A's heart beat was 150 and B was 155. Still pretty much the same. Late last night our little boy must have been jumping around. He was up to 160. We made it to the 22 week mark today!! woohoo!! 2 more weeks today and we can start the steroids and babys chances of survival go up from 10-15% to 80-90% on May 30th. Thats our milestone were counting down too!!

May 15

Not much news today! I'm still in the hospital flat on my back cookin! Made it a week & a day & a half!!! One of our wonderful nuses, Lynne, was trying to get heartbeats & our sassy boy wasnt cooperating so she thought she'd try the girl & go back to the boy & she seen her move acrossed my belly!!! We haven't even seen that yet but like she said she has seen it for years & knows what to look for. Josh has been waiting along time for movement!! Heartbeats today were A-152-155 & B-148-155. We had 2 readings so far today. Abouts 3-4 a day!

Fluid Check

Had my ultrasound at about 8:30 this morning. Doctor came in just now and said that when we got here our fluid level was 0.6 and now its at 1.6. So good news it is increasing!!! He said we are still not out of the woods but all I can do is what I've been doing and keep those babies in!! Josh asked what I could do to increase fluid more and he said just bedrest. Its like trying to inflate a tire with a hole in it. It wont increase. & he said unfortunately there is no remedy such as fix a flat so I continue to lay flat! Baby a heartbeat was 152 Baby b was 155. Holding their own! Baby a was kicking the nurse as she tried to find him. They all say how sassy they both are. :) Dont know who they take after already hehe :P

May 13th, 2010

So far everything is the same still. Just one more day marked off the calendar!!! We had an awesome nurse last night that let us customize the schedule so Josh could hear the heartbeats before he went to bed last night and then asked us when we wanted the first one for this morning so we did 4:45am so he could hear it before he went to work. He likes to hear them to know everything is kosher and he says it makes his day go alittle faster and easier. Baby A was 155 and Baby B was 152. Both actually cooperated this morning!! When they do the heartbeats they are looking for a heartbeat in between 120-170. We havent had one below 130. That was the first night we got here for baby A. So so far our little Ps are hanging on strong!! They are fighters!! Dr. Ramsey was in already this morning and she said things are looking great!! Keeps me down that much longer!! No signs of infection or blood clots and heartbeats are going strong!! Good news!! I was reading that every day the babies stay in is 5 days less in the NICU. Wowza! Thats pretty huge!!! I will just keep em cookin!!!

Our Journey

We found out Feb 16, 10 that we were having fraternal twins! We were soo excited!! Everything was going fine in our pregnancy! We had our 20 wk 4 day ultrasound May 6. We brought my mom and Joshs mom and they were both so excited!! The babies looked good!! I got home from the u/s and my stomach was pretty sore but we had an hour long scan and I just figured all the pushing down on it hurt. I went to bed early and woke at about 2:30am Fri morning. I got about 10 feet and a gush came. My first thought was I peed my pants. I went to the bathroom to clean up and get a towel. As I'm cleaning the floor about a minute from the first gush another gush came and it kept trickling. I knew something was wrong, I yelled for Josh to call the doctor. He was so confused from waking from a dead sleep. I could barely explain to him I was crying so hard. The doctor asked me 2 questions and told me we needed to go to labor & delivery immediately! That made me even more hysterical. I think just hearing those 3 words and knowing that I was too early to deliver, I was expecting the worst! Got to the hospital & I went to the bathroom and seen some blood. Again I freaked out. But it was a small amount & havent seen anymore. They did an amniotic test on me to confirm my water broke and my dr. was paged. She was here an hour after we arrived. She did a pelvic exam to determine I was not in labor and my cervix was still closed. Good news!! Then she did an u/s and our baby girl (B) had all her fluid but our baby boy (A) lost 7cm of his 8cm of amniotic fluid. I was crushed to say the least!! The unknown. Our doctor gave us all scenerios and I had no clue what to think or expect! She ordered me to be on strict hospital bedrest til the babies arrive! Its only MAY!! They arent even due til SEPTEMBER! Thats 4 months away!! What am I going to do? How will my babies make it? What is going to be the outcome? 1,000s of questioned filled my brain! None of which can be answered by anyone except time. I just have to wait it out!! Here its 5 days later & I'm still pregnant! Babies heartbeats are holding steady and my little girl is "sassy" as the nurses say. She is kicking the doppler and she swims away when they try to hear her. I had contractions Sunday night that were horrible! But other than that our stay has been pretty uneventful! I cant express enough thanks to all of our family, friends, co-workers, and nurses!! They have all been such great support teams!!! Our eyes were placed in front, because its more important to look ahead than to look back!