4 months old

Today Brielle is 4 months old. Weighing in at 7lbs 6oz. Today I was wondering where the past 5 months ago. 5 months ago is when my water broke. I was admitted to the hospital and our battle to get to this point began. I am proud to say that we won that battle :) I would do it over in a heart beat! It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. We miss our baby boy more than ever, but with out him we may not have his sister right now. I will be the first to admit that now we are home things have settled and I have alot more time to think. Aydens passing is getting the best of me. I do not quite understand gods plan. I dont understand why he had to take my precious boy away from me. I do not understand why he had to have it happen so soon to have my precious girl go thru the fight of her life. I hope one day I can understand that plan of his and stop questioning. Im sure in time I will. But right now the pain is still there. I see little boys when I'm out and about and I miss him more than ever. I find myself looking at the little boy clothing. The little things that I still catch myself doing and have to say Hes gone let go. Easier said than done. I dont want Brielle to forget her twin brother. Her hero. With that being said Josh and I have started a "tradition" we want to begin and continue with Brielle. We want to release balloons up to Ayden at special events. Like her birthday. This weekend is her baptism and we will do it there as well. Its our way of saying your still here with us in our hearts little man. Josh is getting a tattoo tomorrow of Aydens foot prints and Brielles hand prints. Im pretty excited to see the outcome. He is getting it on his forearm so he will see it all day at work. Thats his memorial to his babies. I wear a cross from my uncle Bruce and Aunt deb everyday. I havent taken it off since Ayden passed. Those little quirks are all we have left. I guess everyone grieves differently. A friend from the NICU that lost her twin son as well was telling me that when she got home from the NICU her grieving her son took on full force. I didnt understand it until now. I completely understand what she means now! Life has settled down, my baby is home where she belongs, I have more time to think and evaluate and it is hitting home! I have one baby, not the two babies that we thought we'd have right now. But its reality and we have to take it as it is.

Brielle is doing very well at home! Monday we have her 4 month shots! She is still on the caffeine. We havent been able to wean her down on any oxygen so she is still at 1/8 of a liter. But one thing I have learned from the NICU is to not rush it. She will do things on her own. And as nurse Kathy always told me "Shes the boss." Aint that the truth!!! She has been staying awake a lot more! The at home nurses are very surprised at her alertness level due to her gestation. There have been 2 days now that she has been awake for almost 7 hours at a time. Taking a few 15 min naps here and there. Amazes me! Her noise levels are slowly increasing. She still doesnt cry very loud. She just grunts more than anything. Pooping is still a major issue with her. We are doing prune and pear juice altering back and forth. Glycerin is her best friend. She loves her boopie. She does okay in her swing. She has learned to roll onto her side. I will put her in the middle of her bassinet and she will roll on her side against the edge of it. I think she likes that barrier. The NICU had a nest like walls around her. Last night she moved all the way to the bottom of her bassinet against the edge. She lifts her head straight off our chest and looks around while holding herself up. She will position herself where she feels more comfortable. She definately is strong!!! But thats what got her to this point!!!