Apple Update

Monday I had my OB appointment for 38 weeks. I ended up in the ER on Friday for shortness of breath. They thought I had a blood clot in my lungs. They took vials of blood and did some DT something test that came back elevated which could have meant I had a blood clot. They had ultrasound came in and did an ultrasound on my legs as they are swollen. No blood clots, just pregnant! Since the blood test came back positive I was then sent down for a CT scan to check my lungs for clots and that too came back negative. So I was cleared 5 hours later! After leaving, the episodes kept coming. I was talking to my best friend Kelly the next day at work and she seen me have one and said that she thought it was Anxiety as I was talking. I think she is 100% right. All of this is coming so fast and its hitting me hard that soon our family of one living child will become two! Do I have enough love? Do I have enough time in my day? How am I going to balance all of Brielles therapys and my exercises I have to force her to do on a daily basis and take care of a newborn? I know at the end of the day, I will be fine. But of course it runs thru my head. I keep having Brielle and Aydens birth running thru my head. It is clear as day. The people running. Heather running me down the never ending hallway to the operating room. Being put to sleep and not knowing if Id wake up with a baby or if she too would pass. Josh not being able to be in the room. The fear on his face. He was my rock thru my whole bedrest and to see him crumble with fear has stuck with me. Only natural and I do not blame him at.all! My sister collapsing in the hospital in tears as they took me way way to early! The sudden need for emergency is haunting me. Its all too much. There I said it. Its all too much. And on top of being scared freaking shitless of another horrific birth, which I know the chances are pretty slim with this one and Im  15 weeks further, but the possibility is always there, I am worried about Brielle. Worried how she will handle the new baby. If she will feel left out or abandoned. I am so so so so so nervous about leaving her. I am all she knows. She wakes up to me every morning. Goes to bed to me and dad every night. Im her routine. So my goal and priority is for her schedule to remain the same as it is now and we get thru these two days peacefully! My anxiety about it all is alot tho. Ive never had anxiety a day in my life. So when it happened to me on Friday I had no clue what it was. I hear ALOT of moms go thru the same thoughts I am with Brielle. So I know Im not alone. But it still sucks. That little girl is my everything. And I dont want her to wonder where her mom is and why Im not there. I hope everything goes smooth and she can stay in her routine and not much gets thrown off to the point that she is sad. I told Josh he cant tell me if she is asking for me or sad until I get home. I wont be able to handle it!

So Back to Mondays appointment....She measures my stomach as she has done for the last 18 weeks or so and I was measuring 42.5 weeks at 38 weeks. They like you to stay within the 2 weeks plus or minus. I was 4.5 weeks. So red flag. She listened to her heart as usual and that was 156 which was perfect. Then she did my check and I was 2-3cm and 70% effaced but my cervix was really high up. She couldnt tell if baby was head up or down so I was sent down for a ultrasound to check position and because I was measuring so big she wanted to see how much this baby weighs. Baby is still breech and weighs 9lbs 1oz approx. Ultrasounds can be off a pound either way, but thats still a big baby! Brielle was 1lbs 6oz! We're going to have to put the newborn clothing away and get out the 0-3 months! I told Brielle she better get growing, her sister will be wearing her clothes before she gets to! I also have extra amniotic fluid. Last time, I didnt have enough fluid and babys were small, this time I have extra fluid and a big baby! Everything is so different this time around! The doctor thought maybe she was so big because I have diabetes so she had me redo the gestational diabetes test that day which came back negative. So we're not really sure why she is so big. After I got home Dr. Ramsey called me personally and said because the GD came back negative, I have extra fluid, and shes so big they would like to see me Monday and have me do a non stress test on the baby. Im not really sure the point of a nonstress test since the next day is our scheduled C section! Yes October 2nd is the day!!! My birthday is October 3rd! Dads is Sept 30! Great birthday present! So less than a week and we will be able to meet our little Apple finally!! So excited and nervous and anxious! Its finally coming! The day is nearing! Enjoying this last week with Brielle as an only child :) We've been telling Brielle her name as we finally have one, and today she was walking around saying it!! I love it! I hope she is excited to have a new baby in the house! She loves babys so I hope she loves her baby sister just as much!