Clicking

Yesterday we had Physical Therapy with Mrs. Lisa. We were showing off Brielles mad skills of climbing the stairs! She got up 2 steps and Lisa said "Hmm Not good did you hear that?" I asked her what and she said her left hip is clicking more than normal and alot more than it should be. She asked me to call the Dr while she was still there to set up an xray of her hip. She was afraid it was dislocated or she had hip displasia. YIKES. I got on the phone right away and of course, my AWESOME pediatrician, Dr. Krainik, got us in an hour and 45 min later! Xray proved everything was fine. I have mixed emotions about this, because now what is the problem! So now we have an appointment with the CP center in Depere with a pediatric rehab doctor. Not until Nov 15 tho! I hate the waiting game. The unknown. While Bri was climbing the 2 steps her hip clicked 5 times on the left and 2 on the right. So it is a bilateral clicking. Just finding out WHY shes clicking in the trick now! This kiddo never wants to have an uneventful week! I tell ya!!!

Play Date!

On our way to North Dakota, we were driving past Mineapolis, MN when it hit me that two of my lovely pProm "sisters", whos water broke around the same time as mine that I met on a support group and have kept in contact with, Lived in MN! (wow that was a run on sentence! lol) Anywho, I didnt pack much as we were frantically running out the door, but I thought, what the hell! See if they are around and see if we can meet up somewhere! They were both available! So we planned a meeting at the Mall of America! Aimee Tjader has 13 month old, Lila! Jessica Gessner lost her sweet Madeline. It was my first time at the Mall of America, as well as Brielles of course. It was SO nice to be able to meet these two ladies who I have had deep conversations for over a year! It was nice to get my arms around them both! Lilas smiles are contagious! Aimee and Jess.....I could write PAGES upon PAGES on how great those two are!!! It was amazing to be able to take alittle detour to see them!!!

Life Changing

When we found out we were expecting twins....Our life changed
When my water broke....Our life Changed
When Aydens heart stopped....Our life changed
When Brielle was born 16 weeks early...our life changed
When Brielle came home....Our life Changed
When Brielle stopped breathing....Our life changed
When my father in law had a stroke...Our life changed

It never seems to amazing how life changing a small or large event in life can change your life, your thoughts, your ways! Friday I got a call at work about 8:30am that my father in law had a stroke. He was over 8 hours away in North Dakota hunting with his 20 year old son, Chase. It was chases birthday! What a great way to spend your birthday! Hunting with your dad! Then things went O so wrong. Rodgers started acting funny and Chase knew something was wrong. Long story short...Rodger suffered a stroke. A clot on the left side of his brain. Also one on his artifical heart valve. We hopped in the car and headed the L-O-N-G 8 hour drive to get there as fast as we could! I had a sitter alll lined up for Brielle but freaked as soon as I hung up the phone. Anxiety of Rodger and then being 8 hours away from Brielle, this would be her FIRST night away from me!! I have never spent more than 9 hours away from Brielle!! So We ended up taking her. I was kind of nervous! But she did AMAZING!!! No fits! Minimal whining! And lots of naps! We got to hospital and got to see Rodger. Boy! It was tough! When your so used to seeing someone that NEVER slows down! Never wants to "Stop"! Now laying there. Not knowing what is going to happen! We know ALL to well being in the hospital, they tell you all the "This can happen, this may never happen" Its so scary! But we also believe in MIRACLES thanks to Miss Brielle. I DO believe a miracle is happening in Rodger! Chase said the ER said he would never use his left side to its full potential, he has almost full strength back! His speech is coming back! Hes up dancing with nurses! Hes doing laps around the 4th floor! Its AMAZING! Didnt expect anything less tho! :)

But it made us all stop and think of how quickly life changes. Your life can be so normal one day and completely turned upside down the next day. My brother in law Mike talked to Rodger at Scheels just a few days before he left of ND. Mike was stunned at how he was talking to him, having a "normal" converstation one day and then 3 days later gets this phone call. My dad is one year younger than Rodger. He has changed his ways of eating, getting his cholesterol down, blood pressure down, etc. I have NEVER heard my dad say he "is not ready to go yet" That hit me pretty hard. My biggest fear in life is death. I dont do well with it. I dont deal well with being able to NEVER talk to them, see them again, hug them again. It freaks me right the hell out. My biggest fear is losing my parents. Im in full fledge bawling session just typing this. I can not imagine how Josh, Chase, Troy felt as that phone call came in. How did Cindy feel as a wife? Ugh I just cant peice it together. Its a phone call NO.ONE. Wants to get! It sure does make you stop and reevaluate life! For Josh and I, we have already lived a life that Family comes first! We try to make it to every invite we get. To me, Laundry can wait til tomorrow, Dishes will be there when I get home. Vaccuming will still be there. My mom, dad, sister, neice, nephew, grandma, grandpa, in-laws, MIGHT.NOT.BE there tomorrow!! You never know when your numbers up. I dont know when mine is up. Everyone doesnt live to be 90. Cherish the time you have TODAY. Dance in the life you have been given TODAY. Let the sunshine shine thru TOMORROW, if your given a tomorrow. Live everyday like its your last!

Pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 1 in 4 women lose a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. EVERYDAY 70 babies in the US will be born silent. 26,000 babies each year. At 7pm in each time zone candles will be lit creating a wave a light in memory of these children. Sadly, the grief of child loss far outlasts the sympathy. Parents are silenced by society deeming this subject as taboo. Today we unite in grief & help break the silence...Gone from our arms but never our hearts ♥

Not a day goes by that I dont think of my sweet Ayden. I often look at Brielle and wonder if he would have the same adorable laugh or smile. Would he have curly hair like Brielle? Would he be walking or crawling? Would he have a spunky personality too? What would he be like? What would he look like? What would it feel like to hug him? Kiss him? FEEL HIM??? To this day, seeing girl/boy twins breaks my heart. I should have pink and blue. Two high chairs. Two car seats. TWO CHILDREN! A part of me is missing.

While talking to my bestie today, she brought up how she didnt like that I missed out on my pregnancy. It took me so long to get pregnant. We took a fertiltiy pill, got pregnant, didnt have the perfect pregnancy, never got to feel them move, never got to experience maternity clothes, never got my baby shower showing off the big twin belly. I lost out on alot of normal things. I never made it to my 3rd trimester. I gave birth in my 2nd trimester. Thats not normal. I never got to bond with my babies fully. I went into emergency surgery and came out with one baby. There should have been two. Nothing about my pregnancy was normal. But then I asked her "WHAT IS NORMAL?" Ive never had a normal healthy pregnancy so I dont know normal. Will I ever know normal? Im not sure.

I found this webpage and submitted Aydens name. He is the 17th baby to be read if you care to listen to some or all of the babys lost on this page.

http://www.team-ewan.com/2011/10/say-their-names-2011.html

This is a personal list of babies that I know in some way or another that have been lost. As I look at this list, it breaks my heart to see how many babies are gone! But I find comfort in knowing that I.am.not.alone. Ayden is not alone. He had a whole baseball team up in heaven playing with him. They are all carefree and not in pain or surffering no longer. That is the only thing that I can take any comfort in losing Ayden. Here is my tribute to the babys lost.

Baby Jenna Debruler
Baby Memorie Peterson
Baby Troy Jr. Peterson
Baby Carlos Ponce
Baby Orson Griffiths
Baby Madeline Gessner
Baby Matilda Cepkova
Baby Collin Lipke
Baby Matthew Beach
Baby Amelia Lebert
Baby Zachary Walton
Baby Keegan Jahnke
Baby Mason and Hunter Dierkes
Baby Eli Bevers

Please forgive me if I have forgotten anyone!

Brielle has other plans!

Last tuesday we had therapy for Little Miss and of course she had her own plans. Although, I am starting to like her own plans :) Physical Therapy came at 830 to "loosen" her up before Occupational came at 9 to kinesio tape her. Right away we showed Miss Lisa how Miss Brielle has mastered her walking toy! She was pretty impressed! She was here 2 weeks prior and Brielle wanted nothing to do with it. Now shes a crusing diva! She stretched her hamstrings and said those felt pretty loose! (Yaya mom and dads work pays off again)She said she has changed in 2 weeks and she just cant figure it out!! GREAT NEWS! She did point out that maybe Brielle is the type of child that will have some asymetry as she is "learning" to do a new skill. Ex. Walking with her walker, walking unassisted, scaling furniture, ect. Which has seemed to be IT thru out her short little life. The thumb for example was stiff and not working and then she crawled a few weeks later and bipassed a thumb splint!!
Then Miss Terri comes from OT and she brought another OT and a student with her since she wasnt really sure what to do with Brielle. Miss Terri said that she was stumped and felt like a liar because Brielle was looking much better than she did 2 weeks ago! I confirmed that she was indeed not this well (As in terms of her back muscles we are talking) so the other OT specialist didnt think she was crazy! Dang, I shoulda played with it :P HAHA So needless to say, they did not tape her back! PT is coming every 2 weeks now vs. once a month. There is still a possibility she could slide back and need tape, but as of now they will just watch her and keep the tape in their car (sometimes if they "threaten" Brielle she shapes up!). OT is however nervous that if we cant get Brielles "slouching" under control that there will be skin break down in her back where those bones stick out from all the pressure. So they suggested that we find or make or create some sort of stool or chair with out a back on it that she sits with her feet flat on the floor. This way she has to lean forward more to keep her feet flat to balance. They demonstarted with them sitting "indian style" and setting Brielle on their ankles with her feet flat. It worked great! So I went to walmart and found a shoe box plastic "tote" that is perfect size for her for $1! After I put her on several boxes in the aisle and people thought I was crazy, but hey this mama got the job done. She has been doing better. In the last 3 weeks she started slouching sooooo bad that she would just topple over and roll from a sitting position because she cant balance. Or she would try to pull her leg up and couldnt. It CRUSHED ME! That was the first time in along time that something Brielle did crushed me. Ive tried to stay pretty positive thru everything from the day my water broke. Therapy asked me what my biggest concern was and what I felt needed fixin now, and it was the sitting. I cant handle watching it. She used to sit so nice and straight and in a matter of time she went to slouching badly to toppling right over. This needs to be fixed. This is my determination over the next few weeks.