No heartbeat

A year ago today, we were in our hospital room that I had been confined to for 3 weeks 2 days and counting! Josh had the day off as it was memorial day. THANK THE LORD! The nurse came in to do the everyday routine heartbeat checks and temperature and blood pressure checks on me. Then it was time for my 2nd steroid shot to mature these kiddos lungs. Little did we know, our world would come crashing down. Aydens heartbeat had been becoming harder and harder to find since his little body was crushed inside me with little water. He was often burrowed down in the corner. The nurse tried and tried and tried with no luck. I still didnt panic. She went to get another nurse. No luck. Panic starting to get there.....Another nurse came in, a nurse that was called in just a few days prior when they couldnt find Ayden, but she found him almost right away. I was excited to see her. I thought, shes a veteran nurse, she will find him. She couldnt. I could see the concern coming over the nurses faces at this point. Josh grabbed the doppler as they went to call the Dr. Josh desperately tried to find Aydens heartbeat with no luck. The on call doctor came in wheeling in an ultrasound machine. He popped on the machine and Ayden wasnt there at all. Brielle was cruising around kicking like crazy as normal (and still to this day she hasnt stopped). Panic really set in at this point! What do you mean he isnt there? Where did he go? He was there yesterday???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? He explained that he was either hiding where we couldnt see him (Ya, ok...NOT) or he was ready to come and he was in the birth canal. WHATTTT??? No its not time. Im not ready! All the feelings came back from the night my water broke! Its too early! too soon! they are too little! I. AM. NOT. READY. He called ultrasound to come up and try. an hour and they werent there yet. I was going stir crazy!! there was nothing I could do. The nurse came in and I told her I needed to know NOW! not in 10 min. NOW! I had never been demanding the whole stay, but this was driving me mental! She made a call and they came right away. The screen popped up and there were my two babies. Brielle on the left flying around the screen and to her right lay my sweet boy Ayden. Still as can be and no flickering heartbeat. Nothing needed to be said. I knew. The nurse grabbed my foot and left the room. Josh and I lost it. We had done all we could do. In was in gods hands. But what did I do wrong? Did I not lay still enough? Did I not drink enough water? Was I wishing I could be out of that bed too much and god answered my prayers? What went wrong? Why did god have to take Ayden? But wait..Aydens gone, whats going to happen to Brielle???? I had a flood of questions! Noone had answers! Noone could tell me what would happen next. My OB/GYN came in and threw a few options at us, that not even her could decide was best. It was at that point that I dont think they encountered this situation that often. The doctors had a "conference" and all threw there ideas out there and it was decided it was best to let nature take its course. Of course it was best to let Brielle in utero as long as humanly possible. For how long that would be was the question. How much longer would my body tolerate all this stress. The answer was not very long!

That day Josh and I cried and composed ourselfs enough to dial the phone. We called our parents to tell them our unfortunate news. Of course they all came up. We ordered pizza and tried to stay calm and positive as we still had Brielle to think about and to fight on for. Easier said than done! Out of nowhere I would just loose it and cry. What did anyone expect? The nurses informed me that I could take my first shower that day after 3 weeks 2 days of sponge baths. I instantly kicked everyone out and stood in the shower!! Thats about all I remember from that day.

Tuesday, the next day (June 1) Josh had to go back to work. I needed him to save all his vacation for whatever would happen next. We had no clue how much longer I would be in the hospital. How much longer my body would "allow" Brielle to stay in. My sister came up to keep me company and my mind off of the situation. I had ALOT of pain that day. I just thought my body was giving out since I had had lots of back pain and leg pain etc just from never getting out of bed for 3 weeks. I had never made it to a birthing class, never been in labor before, I had no clue what to look for. About Noon, My sister thought I was in labor. I told her she was crazy. Basically because the truth was I did not want to be in labor. I had 16 weeks to go yet! I told Josh when he checked on me that I was having pain, but nothing alarming yet. The nurses gave me heating pad and ice but nothing took the pains away. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and I was having a few here and there. Around 6pm the pains were so steady and painful I was moaning I hurt so bad. Because Brielle was so small, she could fly around in her sac and escape the monitors so it was reallly hard to get an accurate reading. Plus when I was in pain, I wasnt sitting still!!! My nurses kept coming in more and more frequently and at about 7:30 they said my contractions were about 3 min apart and I had begun to bleed possibly from Aydens sac tearing away from the wall. I also had a foul smell, probably from his body decomposing. My doctor was there by 8pm and said I was going for an emergency C-Section. I lost it! I kept telling Josh and my mom it was too early! It was too soon! But I didnt have a choice in the matter. My life was at risk for infection and Brielle wouldnt make it if they didnt take her. Who says she WILL make it even IF You take her right now?????????? It didnt matter, the decision was made, and it was a STAT C-SECTION. Josh was told he couldnt be in the room, which didnt make him happy. He had two babies and his wife being taken away from him and he couldnt do anything to help us. From what I was told, he was a basket case. He would pace the hall with his hands on his head, just waiting. Every person that came out of the OR room he would ask to be let in. When I was being wheeled out, I was bawling my eyes out, shaking like a leaf as I had no clue what was going to happen. My sister was crying so hard I thought she was going to collapse. She was 6 months preggo and didnt need this stress!!! Our parents were all there, just watching. Nothing anyone could do but pray!

I was wheeled into this stark white OR room. Something straight outta the fricken movies!!! I was shaking so bad they were trying to calm me down, but there was no calming! Trying to get the catheter in and I remember yelling at them. The "Good drug" guy said, should we just put you out, and I remember screaming "YES" to him. And that was it. The next thing I remember is my nurse, Heather Epley (the same nurse that admitted me the night my water broke, delivered my babies) saying my name over and over that it was time to wake up. I didnt want to! I asked her right away how she was. And she said "Beautiful 1lbs 6.60z baby. Shes doing great." Thats all I needed, Back to sleep! She wouldnt let me tho! They were all told that Brielle would be wheeled past them in an incubator and they would only see alittle glimpse of her. Brielle was doing so well that they stopped for a minute to show my family. She was intubated at 7 minutes of life. He Apgar were 4 at a min and 7 at 5 minutes. I was so wore out from the drugs that I didnt get to see Brielle til the next afternoon. This part REALLY bugs me, but what was I to do? It bugs me that our family got to see my baby before I did. Josh took in 3 at a time to see her after she was born and stabile. While I lay there too drugged up to go and in too much pain to. I was shown pictures, but its not the same. I fought so hard for these babies and it took me almost 17 hours to go see my baby. A normal mother gets to see her baby 5 seconds after they are born. I got robbed. I never got the big belly. I never got the big belly shower. I never got to wear maternity clothes. Never got to feel hiccups or kicks. I am grateful for everything I have today, but I still think about how differently everything SHOULD have been!

Tomorrow is actually Brielles 1st birthday at 8:52pm she was born! But I didnt know if I'd have time, so I posted her birth on here. Sunday 6/5 we have a huge party planned with family and friends. I am so excited I cant wait! A year ago today I didnt know if Brielle would make it. Alittle over a year, I didnt know if both of my babies would make it. Brielle is striving and a miracle each and every day. She amazes me daily with new noises, faces, babbling, movements, etc. I love that girl more than words can say. I miss my sweet Ayden more than anything. I wish he could be here with us today, but thats not the cards that were dealt to us. I have to put on my big girl panties and own up to it. I did what I could do and I cant continue to beat myself up over it! Hes gone. I wish I had a different ending to my story, but I dont. This is my life now. And Im quite happy.

Yesterday a sweet NICU nurse, Kathy, was in my work and we had a GREAT chat!! Last night another NICU nurse, Terri, Gave me a call to say she was thinking of all of us today. AWEEEEEEEEEE I am just in AWE how these nurses have become a part of our family and are so freaking sweet! I miss them! I dont miss leaving my baby with them daily, but I miss them! The therarpy sessions, the laughs, the crys, the reality checks! How nice of them to keep us in mind!!!


P.S. Ive gotten some wonderful comments lately! Thank you! I'm glad people are still reading the blog! I often wondered! To me, Its theraputic! I know so many people from all over the world have been following! I know I follow quite a few blogs and still wonder how they kids are doing daily! So I will continue for quite some time. Maybe even the next pregnancy and all its stressed I will have to make it to 24 weeks etc! Also, Ive gotten quite a few Anonymous comments and Im wondering who you are...... Where your from etc! If you want to remain anonymous thats great too! Or my email is a_jpeterson@yahoo.com and Id love to hear from you!

((Sorry for the novel))