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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Overwhelmed with emotions
This coming Saturday, May 7, at 2:15am marks the one year anniversary my water broke on Baby A (Ayden) at 20 weeks 5 days and I was hospitalized for 25 days fighting to keep them in and failing. I have emense anxiety building up more and more as the day approaches! I miss my little Ayden more than words can describe! Everyday I look at Brielle and wonder what he would be doing. What would he look like? Would he be rolling too? How long would he have been in the hospital? Im sure sicker than Brielle. Maybe it was for the best god took him. NO NO NO NO NO! How could I even think that? Because I dont know what the hell to think anymore. I am so torn with emotions and I just dont know where to turn anymore. People keep saying that I need to look at my outcome and I have Brielle. YES I do! But I dont have Ayden. Ive said it before and I wont change my mind set. It doesnt take the hurt away having Brielle. Im missing one baby. Im missing a car seat. Im missing a crib. Im missing a baby boy in my arms. I shouldnt have a "cubby" for his remains in my living room. I should have a bouncer! Why did my body fail him? Why did my water have to break so early? Why did got have to take him??????? WHY WHY WhY!!!! I just dont fully get it. I know I will never have the answers. But damnit, Its time for some closure. Ive put on this happy face for everyone. Noone truly understand the real me. Not even Josh. I dont think he knows how much this kills me. Even he tells me that I have to be thankful for the outcome we have. I am beyond happy that Brielle did so well! All the doctors we came in contact with told us the scary outcome we could have. She ran the other way and defeated all the odds! But why couldnt Ayden have defeated those odds??? I am not the same person I was a year ago. In many ways I think this has made me a better person. But inside I want to crumble. Some days I just dont have it in me. I constantly wonder if I could have or would have done anything differently if Ayden would be here? If I would have went in on Monday instead of waiting til Thursday when I sensed the infection, would it have saved my waters? Maybe if I would have laid more still, he would have survived? Maybe I didnt drink enough fluids? What could I have done differently????? This is not the happy ending that we so deserved. We want more children, but Im scared freaken shitless. I CAN NOT, I repeat, CAN NOT do this again! I stayed strong the first time. I now have a baby at home. I cant lay in bed again. I cant emotionally do it! Ive been doing TONS of research and almost all of it says it is more likely to NOT Happen again, but what if. With my shitty luck, it would happen again! I cant do another NICU stay. I cant be on bedrest again! I am quite content with just Brielle. But I know deep down in my heart when she is 12 and we are beyond child bearing years, I will regret this decision. Josh wants kids like yesterday. It breaks my heart that we arent on the same page. He didnt have to lay in that same small bland hospital room for 25 days straight not being able to shower or even pee in a toilet!! He got to atleast leave. Im not saying it wasnt stressful on him, but it was just as stressful mentally on the both of us. The toll that laying flat for 25 days takes on a persons body is immense. I carried Ayden. As a mother I already had that bond with him. I now regret never getting to meet Ayden. I dont remember the hospital even asking if we wanted to see him. According to my father, we didnt want to. He was not in good shape. Part of me is grateful I have memories of my own and part of me is crushed that I just let him go without saying goodbye. Maybe thats where this no closure is coming from. In the beginning we were So preoccupied with getting Brielle to the stage she needed to be that I didnt even have time to think of my grief. We grieved at the funeral. Then we had to put on our good energy hats and go up to the NICU for our other child. I didnt want her to sense mama was sad. She needed me to be in my best spirit. Now that life is balancing out and we are settled into a routine and Brielle is doing OUTSTANDING I have the time to think. Im hoping after June 1 there will be a calming in my heart. I have such anxiety right now about may 7 ( Water breaking) and May 31 when we couldnt find Aydens heart beat and June 1 when Brielle was brought into the world WAY Too soon and I was scared outta my mind! Im hoping after June 1 I can breathe! I will officially have made it thru the first anniversary of the most traumatic bittersweet event in my life...........
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Babe i know what you are going through. YOU have been following my little one on FB. I cant tell you enough how sorry i am about ayden. but maybe it wasnt his time yet.. maybe he will come back as your next one. just because you had one bad experience doesnt mean the next one or 3 cant rock. you know where i am and how to reach me if you want to talk more. hugs and love girlie.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you right now that God will eventually take away some of this pain you are having in your heart. I am also praying that you will come to the point where you will be comfortable on finally saying yes to another baby.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you as well, that you will find comfort in your heart. It's never easy losing a child. We know you are grateful for Brielle, but your heart is still heavy with grief. Ayden is looking down on you and your family and trying to comfort you and help you to know that he is okay sitting at God's right hand. You personally need to go through your grief before having another baby, and that day will come. You just have to trust in God that he will be there for you and let you know when the time is.
ReplyDeleteAmber, hugs to you! Big, warm, embracing hugs to help you find peace during this time. Ayden lives on in your hearts forever and through his sister Brielle. Take your time with things. You don't have to make a decision about a baby right now. Just focus on your health and Brielle's. A decision will be made clear when the time is right. You are doing such an amazing job!
ReplyDeleteAmber as I read this I cry for you. I can't imagine what you went through. There is nothinbg anyone can say that will take the pain away it is here and it will always be a part of you. Ayden will always be with you and most importantly as you watch your little angel grow and knowing that little Ayden is with her and watching over her. We will all meet Ayden someday and I cannot wait. You are a wonderful Mom and one of the most strongest people I know. God will get you through this I promise. I am proud to say you are my cousin and you are a huge inspiration to me!!! I love you!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry! {{Hugs}}
ReplyDeleteI did not loose a baby, but experienced the NICU and other struggles and I tend to trust my own instinct on not taking the chance of convieving again. Like you said, the risk outweighs the odds for people who have been through such a terrible, horrible experience. Trust your gut and your instinct, you know your body and mind. If your heart tells you not to have another, then go with it and trust it.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel with being scared to try again. What a tough decision!! On the other side of the coin, I know some other NICU (premie) moms and mother's who have lost a child, who have tried again with a great end result.
My thoughts are with you and I hope you come to peace with whatever decision you make. Perhaps put it in God's hands... Good luck and hope your anxiety subsides during the next few days and weeks. Hopefully we can meet sometime soon!
I have a very small idea how you feel. Having a son two years before we lost our second son I watch him and feel sad that I will never see my youngest child go through all those stages. Pregnancy after a pprom loss is terrifying and the only way I cope is by thinking about it in stages. Stage 1 is getting pregnant, 2 is getting to 12 weeks, and then of course the scary stage 4 getting to 24 weeks without pprom.
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave person Amber. My advice is to let yourself grive. Take the time out to cry, get angry and to be sad, you don't have to wear a happy hat all the time. Once you have given yourself permission to be sad, try to take comfort in knowing that your son lives on through your darling daughter and that he will be there to help guide her through life. Carry him close to your heart, there is that saying, "gone but not forgotten". He will live on forever in your heart.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom, you fought from day one for these kids, you did everything possible to keep them healthly and safe, God had a need for Ayden. I know it dosen't seem fair, but remember, everything happens for a reason.
You are amazing, keep blogging - your wonderful family is beautiful.