Summer time

Yesterday we had speech thereapy. I am NOT at ALL concerned about her eating. She eats like a champ! She only has 2 bottom teeth, and shes eating chicken nuggets, crackers, cheese, baked beans, corn, mashed taters, manderin oranges, diced apples etc. Lisa (therapist) was over delighted she was eating so well. I was alittle worried, because Little Miss would rather feed herself than have mom and dad feed her, which only means, the second stage baby foods are diminishing. But Lisa reassured me that if she was eating enough table foods and she is still on formula til September, she is getting enough nutrition. And she explained that when babys get teeth, they want to chew and not eat the mush. Makes sense. And saves molla on baby food!

I was however concerned because Brielles early intervention teacher said she thought her speech was behind. Shes not saying mama da da na na etc yet. Lisa thought she was alittle behind, but NOT getting too concerned as Brielle is REALLY wanting to WALK! She will straighten her legs out so you can sit her down, she'd rather stand. She LOVES to walk holding our fingers. She is almost running holding our hands. Its pretty funny! I honestly dont think this child is going to crawl! But she has proved ALL Of us wrong at one point or another, so Im prepared if she would crawl. I hope she does crawl as its good developmentally, but we will see.

Lisa also explained that because Brielle is working so hard on Walking and she is so determined to GO GO GO, she may just be concentrating on the walking and not on talking. So for the time being, we have increased her speech therapy from 1x a month to 2x a month. She is not going to watch her eat anymore since we are pretty good on that, shes just going to focus on her actual speech and sounds.

Other than speech.....Brielle has one top tooth that JUST popped thru today! This tooth wasnt as easy as the last 2! She was incredibly whiny and fussy and cuddly! Which I was okay with the cuddles, because this child usually does not want to cuddle she just wants to go go go constantly its exhausting! She took 5 naps yesterday! And now I see why this morning! :) I am going to miss that gummy smile tho :/

Now that summer is here, I am having some anxietys I guess we could say. I feel like last summer was taken from me. I spent all of May in the hospital stuck in 4 walls and a bed. June, July, and August were spent by Brielles side in the NICU. We didnt get to do anything (which was fine by us, Bri took priority) but now I feel like I have to fit as much into my summer as humanly possible! Poor Josh lol. There are summer concerts every Thursday we have been going to, Bayfest, Seymour fair coming up, Farmers Markets, Chicken Fest, Fourth of July! YAY! I cant wait! This summer is by far better than last year, because I have my precious miracle on my hip!

1st Birthday Party Success!

Brielles first birthday party on Sunday was GREAT! Undescribable! We had about 50 close family and friends there! The weather was alittle Hot, but it didnt rain! Brielle had on a cute yellow sun dress with our theme for the party, butterfly, on her left shoulder. The bottom had flowers growing up. Her cake was a two tiered blue butterfly cake made by one of the sweetest friends, Candee Gumm. She got a 4 wheeler from mom and dad, a wagon from aunties, papa mike & Ginny, A little tykes bike from Great grandma and grandpa Peterson, A beach bag full of toys, treats, etc for the boat from Papa Rodger and Gma Cindy Eberly, A leash from uncle chase and more camo!, A Ayden wing that matches my necklace from Auntie Ema, Uncle Mike and Anthony and Johanna, Money to buy what she wants! Lots of clothes and toys, books! She is a VERY loved little girl!!! She woke up from a short 40 min nap at 11 when all her guests arrived and stayed awake til 4:30 when I put her down to nap. And she even fussed! She was VERy good! Never cried or fussed! Must have been on a sugar high from all the cake she ate!!

The theme I choose for her party was "Spread your wings and fly" Butterflys. The reason is I think of Brielle as my little caterpillar that was so little and fragile and then emerged into this beatiful little girl, much like a butterfly does. So "Spread your wings and fly" just came to me one day and I went with it. :)

Very Very Very pleased with how we celebrated her one year and everyone who came to celebrate with us! Thank you to all

Here are some Birthday Party pics!

Aydens funeral

A year ago tomorrow was my sweet baby boys funeral. But this year we are celebrating Brielle turning "1". A year ago today, I was released from the hospital. After sitting on my couch again (believe me, after 4 weeks in a bed, thats a HUGE deal!), we went to "take a kid fishing." An event my dad is part of that takes 3-15 year old kids fishing at a pond. They have trophies for most fish, smallest, biggest, etc. Its fun!! After we stopped there, I got in the car and we drove to my sisters house. She had just bought their first house. I hadnt been a part of any of it since I was in the hospital. I seen pics on her phone that was all. I was sore as could be! Josh had been fishing with my then 3 year old nephew. As I watched him fish, my eyes filled with tears. My sweet boy was gone. Josh didnt have a boy to do this with! As Im in the car, all the emotions took over again. He asked what I was thinking (as he knew what was wrong) and I told him watching him with Anthony and now his boy is gone. His words were "I have Brielle. Dont worry, she will be fishing with me." Sure enough, today....His one year old was fishing with him. Brielle helped him reel in 2 fish but was pretty much done after that. It was a blast!!

Last year we were sitting in a church, giving Ayden the proper funeral. With about 30 of our close family. Our little girl in an incubator weighing alittle over a pound fighting for her life. Not knowing if we have to do this all over in a few weeks? months? DAYS? The unknown. The death of our sweet boy. It all weighed heavily on us. As I sit writing this, Josh and Brielle are on the floor tickling and laughing and screeching in excitement. I wish Ayden was here. I wish we both had a baby to "tickle". To hug. To cuddle. To LOVE. To kiss. To hold. But we dont. I am happy with what god has given me. But at the same time, I am mad he took my baby boy from me too soon. We never got to see his smile. His sweet face. His laugh. God took that from me too soon. But I will put on that happy face as I always do and pretend I am OK with it. But deep down, I am NOT O.K. With it. I want Ayden back. Brielle needs her twin. A bond that only twins have. She doesnt have. She wont ever know. The other day, we walked past Aydens urn and she whipped her head around and smiled. I stopped and went back to him where she puckered her lips and did her famous "oooo" I told her that was her brother, Ayden. I handed her the molds we have of his feet that my dad gold plated. She felt them. It was almost like she was saying Happy Birthday Ayden. I cant even type this without welling up with tears. It was like she knew he was there. Maybe she will always know her twin is with her?

I am forever grateful that my dad took all the funeral planning into his hands. I just couldnt do it. I didnt want to face that my baby was gone. Then I had to deal with my other living sweet baby fighting for her life. It was just all too much. My dad did everything from calling the funeral home, the cremation, the church service, invites...EVERYTHING was by my father. I can not express how much that means to me. I kept pushing it off, and he took it all into his hands. All I had to do was pick out the urn. It was pretty laid back and as easy as possible. Valley funeral home was awesome as well and picked up the creamation cost since its an infant. Kuddos to them as well. All in all, I can not believe its been a year already!!

911 Ceremony

So thursday night we had an awards ceremony for the 911 Dispatcher who took our call the scary night of September 9 when Brielle stopped breathinga after being home only 8 short days! Jeniffer Echols, our angel won an award after I wrote a letter applauding her for her calming nature to help us. It was very nice! We brought Brielle with us, and alot of people were looking at us, wonder why we would bring a baby to such a thing. Then after the sheriff read a paragraph of my letter, they all understood. Jeniffer has now become a part of our family. She is invited to all of Brielles birthdays and other events. We keep in contact and we love her!!!

My little one year old!

Brielle is "1". How freakin exciting is that?!? Over a year ago, we didnt know what was in store for us when my water broke. Now looking back, I just am in awe at what we encountered, and where we are today. Brielle is gorgeous, full of life and smiles and laughter! She has started to clap! The night before her 1st birthday, we were at my moms having a cook out and she was sitting there clapping!!!!! Ive been working on this for sometime, since I am trying to get her to do sign language. I swear a few times lately, she has signed "Eat." How great is that!! And the little turd bit me today! She guided my finger ever so swiftly in her mouth and bit down. Then when I screamed "OUCHIE" she giggled. How great! We watched her first ever bath yesterday. It was when she was 1 month 10 days old. She fit in this tiny little pink bucket the hospital used for breast feeding parts etc. She was soooo little! Intubated yet, so no sounds from her. Her little arms flying all over the place, since she didnt know self containment yet. She nestled so nicely in Nurse Kathys hand like a little baby kitten. The small wash cloth was big enough to be her towel. I had to use one finger to wash her since my hand would do her whole body at once and over stimulate her. NOW bath time.......She sits on the bottom of the tub with alittle water in the bath tub and plays with toys. My whole hand washes her. We giggle, she does her famous "OOOO" with puckered lips. She splashes her hands in the water and looks at us and smiles. She loves to try to grab the running water from the faucet. O how bath time has sure changed. O how our life has changed in just a year!! And I'm loving every minute of it!!

Last night, we released a balloon to Ayden at 8:52pm. The time they were both born, just a short year ago. We all wrote a message. Mine saying "Happy 1st birthday my sweet baby boy. I hope you are having lots of cake in heaven. Love you forever, Mommy."

No heartbeat

A year ago today, we were in our hospital room that I had been confined to for 3 weeks 2 days and counting! Josh had the day off as it was memorial day. THANK THE LORD! The nurse came in to do the everyday routine heartbeat checks and temperature and blood pressure checks on me. Then it was time for my 2nd steroid shot to mature these kiddos lungs. Little did we know, our world would come crashing down. Aydens heartbeat had been becoming harder and harder to find since his little body was crushed inside me with little water. He was often burrowed down in the corner. The nurse tried and tried and tried with no luck. I still didnt panic. She went to get another nurse. No luck. Panic starting to get there.....Another nurse came in, a nurse that was called in just a few days prior when they couldnt find Ayden, but she found him almost right away. I was excited to see her. I thought, shes a veteran nurse, she will find him. She couldnt. I could see the concern coming over the nurses faces at this point. Josh grabbed the doppler as they went to call the Dr. Josh desperately tried to find Aydens heartbeat with no luck. The on call doctor came in wheeling in an ultrasound machine. He popped on the machine and Ayden wasnt there at all. Brielle was cruising around kicking like crazy as normal (and still to this day she hasnt stopped). Panic really set in at this point! What do you mean he isnt there? Where did he go? He was there yesterday???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? He explained that he was either hiding where we couldnt see him (Ya, ok...NOT) or he was ready to come and he was in the birth canal. WHATTTT??? No its not time. Im not ready! All the feelings came back from the night my water broke! Its too early! too soon! they are too little! I. AM. NOT. READY. He called ultrasound to come up and try. an hour and they werent there yet. I was going stir crazy!! there was nothing I could do. The nurse came in and I told her I needed to know NOW! not in 10 min. NOW! I had never been demanding the whole stay, but this was driving me mental! She made a call and they came right away. The screen popped up and there were my two babies. Brielle on the left flying around the screen and to her right lay my sweet boy Ayden. Still as can be and no flickering heartbeat. Nothing needed to be said. I knew. The nurse grabbed my foot and left the room. Josh and I lost it. We had done all we could do. In was in gods hands. But what did I do wrong? Did I not lay still enough? Did I not drink enough water? Was I wishing I could be out of that bed too much and god answered my prayers? What went wrong? Why did god have to take Ayden? But wait..Aydens gone, whats going to happen to Brielle???? I had a flood of questions! Noone had answers! Noone could tell me what would happen next. My OB/GYN came in and threw a few options at us, that not even her could decide was best. It was at that point that I dont think they encountered this situation that often. The doctors had a "conference" and all threw there ideas out there and it was decided it was best to let nature take its course. Of course it was best to let Brielle in utero as long as humanly possible. For how long that would be was the question. How much longer would my body tolerate all this stress. The answer was not very long!

That day Josh and I cried and composed ourselfs enough to dial the phone. We called our parents to tell them our unfortunate news. Of course they all came up. We ordered pizza and tried to stay calm and positive as we still had Brielle to think about and to fight on for. Easier said than done! Out of nowhere I would just loose it and cry. What did anyone expect? The nurses informed me that I could take my first shower that day after 3 weeks 2 days of sponge baths. I instantly kicked everyone out and stood in the shower!! Thats about all I remember from that day.

Tuesday, the next day (June 1) Josh had to go back to work. I needed him to save all his vacation for whatever would happen next. We had no clue how much longer I would be in the hospital. How much longer my body would "allow" Brielle to stay in. My sister came up to keep me company and my mind off of the situation. I had ALOT of pain that day. I just thought my body was giving out since I had had lots of back pain and leg pain etc just from never getting out of bed for 3 weeks. I had never made it to a birthing class, never been in labor before, I had no clue what to look for. About Noon, My sister thought I was in labor. I told her she was crazy. Basically because the truth was I did not want to be in labor. I had 16 weeks to go yet! I told Josh when he checked on me that I was having pain, but nothing alarming yet. The nurses gave me heating pad and ice but nothing took the pains away. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and I was having a few here and there. Around 6pm the pains were so steady and painful I was moaning I hurt so bad. Because Brielle was so small, she could fly around in her sac and escape the monitors so it was reallly hard to get an accurate reading. Plus when I was in pain, I wasnt sitting still!!! My nurses kept coming in more and more frequently and at about 7:30 they said my contractions were about 3 min apart and I had begun to bleed possibly from Aydens sac tearing away from the wall. I also had a foul smell, probably from his body decomposing. My doctor was there by 8pm and said I was going for an emergency C-Section. I lost it! I kept telling Josh and my mom it was too early! It was too soon! But I didnt have a choice in the matter. My life was at risk for infection and Brielle wouldnt make it if they didnt take her. Who says she WILL make it even IF You take her right now?????????? It didnt matter, the decision was made, and it was a STAT C-SECTION. Josh was told he couldnt be in the room, which didnt make him happy. He had two babies and his wife being taken away from him and he couldnt do anything to help us. From what I was told, he was a basket case. He would pace the hall with his hands on his head, just waiting. Every person that came out of the OR room he would ask to be let in. When I was being wheeled out, I was bawling my eyes out, shaking like a leaf as I had no clue what was going to happen. My sister was crying so hard I thought she was going to collapse. She was 6 months preggo and didnt need this stress!!! Our parents were all there, just watching. Nothing anyone could do but pray!

I was wheeled into this stark white OR room. Something straight outta the fricken movies!!! I was shaking so bad they were trying to calm me down, but there was no calming! Trying to get the catheter in and I remember yelling at them. The "Good drug" guy said, should we just put you out, and I remember screaming "YES" to him. And that was it. The next thing I remember is my nurse, Heather Epley (the same nurse that admitted me the night my water broke, delivered my babies) saying my name over and over that it was time to wake up. I didnt want to! I asked her right away how she was. And she said "Beautiful 1lbs 6.60z baby. Shes doing great." Thats all I needed, Back to sleep! She wouldnt let me tho! They were all told that Brielle would be wheeled past them in an incubator and they would only see alittle glimpse of her. Brielle was doing so well that they stopped for a minute to show my family. She was intubated at 7 minutes of life. He Apgar were 4 at a min and 7 at 5 minutes. I was so wore out from the drugs that I didnt get to see Brielle til the next afternoon. This part REALLY bugs me, but what was I to do? It bugs me that our family got to see my baby before I did. Josh took in 3 at a time to see her after she was born and stabile. While I lay there too drugged up to go and in too much pain to. I was shown pictures, but its not the same. I fought so hard for these babies and it took me almost 17 hours to go see my baby. A normal mother gets to see her baby 5 seconds after they are born. I got robbed. I never got the big belly. I never got the big belly shower. I never got to wear maternity clothes. Never got to feel hiccups or kicks. I am grateful for everything I have today, but I still think about how differently everything SHOULD have been!

Tomorrow is actually Brielles 1st birthday at 8:52pm she was born! But I didnt know if I'd have time, so I posted her birth on here. Sunday 6/5 we have a huge party planned with family and friends. I am so excited I cant wait! A year ago today I didnt know if Brielle would make it. Alittle over a year, I didnt know if both of my babies would make it. Brielle is striving and a miracle each and every day. She amazes me daily with new noises, faces, babbling, movements, etc. I love that girl more than words can say. I miss my sweet Ayden more than anything. I wish he could be here with us today, but thats not the cards that were dealt to us. I have to put on my big girl panties and own up to it. I did what I could do and I cant continue to beat myself up over it! Hes gone. I wish I had a different ending to my story, but I dont. This is my life now. And Im quite happy.

Yesterday a sweet NICU nurse, Kathy, was in my work and we had a GREAT chat!! Last night another NICU nurse, Terri, Gave me a call to say she was thinking of all of us today. AWEEEEEEEEEE I am just in AWE how these nurses have become a part of our family and are so freaking sweet! I miss them! I dont miss leaving my baby with them daily, but I miss them! The therarpy sessions, the laughs, the crys, the reality checks! How nice of them to keep us in mind!!!


P.S. Ive gotten some wonderful comments lately! Thank you! I'm glad people are still reading the blog! I often wondered! To me, Its theraputic! I know so many people from all over the world have been following! I know I follow quite a few blogs and still wonder how they kids are doing daily! So I will continue for quite some time. Maybe even the next pregnancy and all its stressed I will have to make it to 24 weeks etc! Also, Ive gotten quite a few Anonymous comments and Im wondering who you are...... Where your from etc! If you want to remain anonymous thats great too! Or my email is a_jpeterson@yahoo.com and Id love to hear from you!

((Sorry for the novel))

Still baking last year....

A Year ago, I was still baking my twins in the Hospital. Staring at the same 4 walls. Looking out the same window and bridge. Dreaming of all the things I would normally be doing, but knowing I had a different task at hand. I had to keep my babies in as long. as. possible. Ha! Easier said than done. Tuesday marks the 1 year that we did our routine 3x a day heartbeat checks and couldnt find Aydens. My anxiety isnt as high and I had anticipated it to be. I think because I was so hyped up for May 7, when my water broke, to be so terrible, and I managed. Sadly, my boy is gone. There is nothing I, Josh, Drs, nurses, ANYONE can do to bring him back. Joyfully I have my little Miss. She is a hoot and I thank Ayden everyday for her!

Some of the things little miss is up to now-a-days!

Biting! O yes!! Brielle has 2 bottom teeth and she is a biting fool! She bit Josh the other day! hehe pretty funny if you ask me! Today she bit my toe, not so funny!!

Getting into EVERYTHING! She will roll towards every and any cord in plain view!

She loves to pull my hair and rip off my glasses. She even threw them a few weeks ago and broke them!

She has just started a fake cry yesterday. Its hilarious!!!! It doesnt even sound like a cry!!! (I really want to learn how to download videos on here!!)

She learned Tuesday how to move her walker!! She loves to go down the driveway....Up not so much yet! :)

Sitting ALL BY HERSELF! Shes doing amazing! No more drunken sailor or tipping over.

Gives kisses and hugs! Open mouth and occasional tongue, but HEY Ill take them!

I tell her to give me her hands and she grabs mine and pulls herself to a stand! Loves to stand big and tall!!

Holding her own bottle (most of the time! She still likes to be a princess!)

Chowing down solids like a champ! I havent had anything this kid doesnt like yet! She eats watermelon, peas, green beans, squash, sweet taters, nanners, mashed potatoes! & she loves her gerber puffs!! She takes them off her tray & feeds herself!

Shes a whoppng 16 lbs 3 oz! 25.5" long. Her 7 mo old cousin is 16 lbs! hehe little fart!

She loves to play in her swing outside!

She loves to talk on the phone!

She is obsessed with ice cream & del monte fruit pops! She throws a fit if you dont feed her fast enough or its all gone!

She loves her puppies! And they let her dig in their eyes and ears and pull at their hair!

She has the most gorgeous smile! Her giggle is adorable!

We recently just got Brielles 1 year pictures done, SO I will leave you with those :)

Just a year ago!

Wowzers did this year fly by!!! I can not believe a year ago today I have been in the hospital 9 days holding my babies in. I can not believe in less than a month my 24 weeker is going to be a one year old!! She has come such a looong way. I am more than happy with everything she has overcome.

Over a year ago....We had our long growth ultrasound May 6. We decided to invite our two mothers as a mothers day gift to see their grandbabies in action. They both loved it! As did we!! That night I didnt feel well. I had alot of cramps but the u/s tech was pushing on me pretty hard so I just thought that was why. I went to bed right after dinner. I woke up around 2am. I sat up and was extremely dizzy!! I felt like I had vertigo. It started to go away so I got up to go to the bathroom. Our bathroom is not far from our room, and half way to the bathroom a gush of water fell over my wood floor. My first thought, was, you dumbass you pissed your pants!! I went to the toilet to clean myself and got a towel to clean the floor. As I bent down to wipe it up another gush. I immediately starting crying and screaming for Josh. Josh, waking from a dead sleep to his wife crying and screaming, came running to me. I told him to grab my phone and dial my doctor. He still didnt know what was happening. I was still trying to gather what the hell was happening myself. I was only 20 weeks 5 days. NOWAY this could be my waters breaking! Josh dialed my doctor as I stood there with wet pants. I coulnt talk. I could just cry. My doctor happened to be on call and she called us back immediately. She asked us if it smelled like pee or nothing. I said nothing. She told us we needed to get to labor and delivery immediately and she would meet us there. WHAT? What do you mean? LABOR and DELIVERY? I cant have these babies right now! They arent ready! Im not ready! They wont survive! They wont make it! Am I loosing my babies tonight? What is going to happen? I threw on sweat pants and socks and away we went. I did not know what this meant. I bawled the whole way to the hospital as Josh made phone calls to our parents. There was nothing they could do as well, but we wanted them to know since we didnt know what this meant! We got to the ER and they took us straight to labor and delivery. WHY are they taking me there???? I cant delivery! Too soon!! I went to the bathroom to get changed into my gown and saw blood in my undies. I started to sob in the bathroom. I knew blood wasnt a good sign! I came out and got in the bed and told Josh this was it. We are losing the twins. He tried to stay positive, even tho I could tell in his face he knew it wasnt good. My nurse, Heather Epley, came in to do an amniotic fluid test to see if indeed my waters broke. I already knew the answer why even do the test! She didnt have to say anything, I knew. What I didnt know was what this meant for me. For my babies. We just had a miscarriage in November. Now its May and we are losing 2 more??? Why is god putting up thru this!! What did we do to deserve this!! She came in with an IV machine. She started me on the IV to ward of possible infection in me and Aydens broken water bag. She said I would be on the IV for 3 days. I said "O so I'm here 3 days?" I didnt know I was even staying the night! She said the dreaded words "O hunny! You are here til these babies come." WHAT DO YOU MEAN! I have 20 more weeks before these babies come! Even tho, in my heart I knew I wasnt going to last that long. I am a florist, it was mothers day. I worried about work, because thats my nature. I think I worried more about my assistant, Kelly. How was she going to cope without me? We didnt have a choice. I felt horrible. Every emotion was coming over me! It was about 4am now and my doctor came in to check my cervix and make sure I wasnt in labor. Thank god I wasnt and everything was shut. She confirmed that I had bacteria Vaginitis. The infection caused me to Pprom. WHAT? This is a dance that high school students go to. I make them corsages! What the hell is Pprom? She explained its Premature rupture of membranes. Early water breaking. WHY ME! Again, feelings came over me. I couldnt stop crying. I just wanted to give up at that point. I didnt know what this whole situation meant, and what would be the outcome! I am a person that has everything planned out and wants to know! I didnt know. My nurses and doctors didnt know. My doctors explained to me that being 20 weeks, there was nothing they go do to save my babies until May 30. (It was only May 7) They asked us to terminate. The risk of infection could kill Ayden and Myself. There was no discussing or talking with Josh, It was NO. No we would not! There is two beating heartbeats and we will continue until we no longer can. My mom, Joshs mom, My sister, my grandma, and my dad all showed up. There was nothing anyone could do. It was a waiting process at this point! I was in a labor and delivery bed and it was the most uncomfortable thing EVER!! My mom eventually bitched enough and got me in a nice big comfy bed! Hey! If I was going to be there for awhile, I want comfort! We got transferred out of the post op delivery room to a smaller room, which sucked because we both have such huge families and there just wasnt enough room. And so began the fight of my life to keep my babies incubated for 20 more weeks!!! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......