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Saturday, June 4, 2011

Aydens funeral

A year ago tomorrow was my sweet baby boys funeral. But this year we are celebrating Brielle turning "1". A year ago today, I was released from the hospital. After sitting on my couch again (believe me, after 4 weeks in a bed, thats a HUGE deal!), we went to "take a kid fishing." An event my dad is part of that takes 3-15 year old kids fishing at a pond. They have trophies for most fish, smallest, biggest, etc. Its fun!! After we stopped there, I got in the car and we drove to my sisters house. She had just bought their first house. I hadnt been a part of any of it since I was in the hospital. I seen pics on her phone that was all. I was sore as could be! Josh had been fishing with my then 3 year old nephew. As I watched him fish, my eyes filled with tears. My sweet boy was gone. Josh didnt have a boy to do this with! As Im in the car, all the emotions took over again. He asked what I was thinking (as he knew what was wrong) and I told him watching him with Anthony and now his boy is gone. His words were "I have Brielle. Dont worry, she will be fishing with me." Sure enough, today....His one year old was fishing with him. Brielle helped him reel in 2 fish but was pretty much done after that. It was a blast!!

Last year we were sitting in a church, giving Ayden the proper funeral. With about 30 of our close family. Our little girl in an incubator weighing alittle over a pound fighting for her life. Not knowing if we have to do this all over in a few weeks? months? DAYS? The unknown. The death of our sweet boy. It all weighed heavily on us. As I sit writing this, Josh and Brielle are on the floor tickling and laughing and screeching in excitement. I wish Ayden was here. I wish we both had a baby to "tickle". To hug. To cuddle. To LOVE. To kiss. To hold. But we dont. I am happy with what god has given me. But at the same time, I am mad he took my baby boy from me too soon. We never got to see his smile. His sweet face. His laugh. God took that from me too soon. But I will put on that happy face as I always do and pretend I am OK with it. But deep down, I am NOT O.K. With it. I want Ayden back. Brielle needs her twin. A bond that only twins have. She doesnt have. She wont ever know. The other day, we walked past Aydens urn and she whipped her head around and smiled. I stopped and went back to him where she puckered her lips and did her famous "oooo" I told her that was her brother, Ayden. I handed her the molds we have of his feet that my dad gold plated. She felt them. It was almost like she was saying Happy Birthday Ayden. I cant even type this without welling up with tears. It was like she knew he was there. Maybe she will always know her twin is with her?

I am forever grateful that my dad took all the funeral planning into his hands. I just couldnt do it. I didnt want to face that my baby was gone. Then I had to deal with my other living sweet baby fighting for her life. It was just all too much. My dad did everything from calling the funeral home, the cremation, the church service, invites...EVERYTHING was by my father. I can not express how much that means to me. I kept pushing it off, and he took it all into his hands. All I had to do was pick out the urn. It was pretty laid back and as easy as possible. Valley funeral home was awesome as well and picked up the creamation cost since its an infant. Kuddos to them as well. All in all, I can not believe its been a year already!!


  1. Mel & ZacheryJune 4, 2011 at 5:30 PM

    Wow, your stories are just so touching.
    I'm sorry for your loss of Ayden yet i'm so happy that Brielle made her 1st birthday. And your dad doing so much for you - thats why i love my dad too. :)
    Stay strong, you'll always miss Ayden but he'll always and forever be in your heart.
    Love Mel & Zachery xo

  2. Amber, you guys have been through so much and you've come so far. I'm very proud of you all. I don't doubt for a minute that Brielle feels Ayden's spirit with her all of the time. Twins are amazing beings. Keep looking for those signs and feel the peace knowing that Ayden is still in ALL of your hearts. And I am so glad that Brielle is taking to fishing. It's perfect that she helped daddy reel in -- not one fish -- but TWO. Signs are everywhere. Comfort is everywhere. Keep fishing Brielle. Amber, keep doing such an amazing job with that perfect girl. She really is perfect -- every. single. part of her.