No heartbeat

A year ago today, we were in our hospital room that I had been confined to for 3 weeks 2 days and counting! Josh had the day off as it was memorial day. THANK THE LORD! The nurse came in to do the everyday routine heartbeat checks and temperature and blood pressure checks on me. Then it was time for my 2nd steroid shot to mature these kiddos lungs. Little did we know, our world would come crashing down. Aydens heartbeat had been becoming harder and harder to find since his little body was crushed inside me with little water. He was often burrowed down in the corner. The nurse tried and tried and tried with no luck. I still didnt panic. She went to get another nurse. No luck. Panic starting to get there.....Another nurse came in, a nurse that was called in just a few days prior when they couldnt find Ayden, but she found him almost right away. I was excited to see her. I thought, shes a veteran nurse, she will find him. She couldnt. I could see the concern coming over the nurses faces at this point. Josh grabbed the doppler as they went to call the Dr. Josh desperately tried to find Aydens heartbeat with no luck. The on call doctor came in wheeling in an ultrasound machine. He popped on the machine and Ayden wasnt there at all. Brielle was cruising around kicking like crazy as normal (and still to this day she hasnt stopped). Panic really set in at this point! What do you mean he isnt there? Where did he go? He was there yesterday???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? He explained that he was either hiding where we couldnt see him (Ya, ok...NOT) or he was ready to come and he was in the birth canal. WHATTTT??? No its not time. Im not ready! All the feelings came back from the night my water broke! Its too early! too soon! they are too little! I. AM. NOT. READY. He called ultrasound to come up and try. an hour and they werent there yet. I was going stir crazy!! there was nothing I could do. The nurse came in and I told her I needed to know NOW! not in 10 min. NOW! I had never been demanding the whole stay, but this was driving me mental! She made a call and they came right away. The screen popped up and there were my two babies. Brielle on the left flying around the screen and to her right lay my sweet boy Ayden. Still as can be and no flickering heartbeat. Nothing needed to be said. I knew. The nurse grabbed my foot and left the room. Josh and I lost it. We had done all we could do. In was in gods hands. But what did I do wrong? Did I not lay still enough? Did I not drink enough water? Was I wishing I could be out of that bed too much and god answered my prayers? What went wrong? Why did god have to take Ayden? But wait..Aydens gone, whats going to happen to Brielle???? I had a flood of questions! Noone had answers! Noone could tell me what would happen next. My OB/GYN came in and threw a few options at us, that not even her could decide was best. It was at that point that I dont think they encountered this situation that often. The doctors had a "conference" and all threw there ideas out there and it was decided it was best to let nature take its course. Of course it was best to let Brielle in utero as long as humanly possible. For how long that would be was the question. How much longer would my body tolerate all this stress. The answer was not very long!

That day Josh and I cried and composed ourselfs enough to dial the phone. We called our parents to tell them our unfortunate news. Of course they all came up. We ordered pizza and tried to stay calm and positive as we still had Brielle to think about and to fight on for. Easier said than done! Out of nowhere I would just loose it and cry. What did anyone expect? The nurses informed me that I could take my first shower that day after 3 weeks 2 days of sponge baths. I instantly kicked everyone out and stood in the shower!! Thats about all I remember from that day.

Tuesday, the next day (June 1) Josh had to go back to work. I needed him to save all his vacation for whatever would happen next. We had no clue how much longer I would be in the hospital. How much longer my body would "allow" Brielle to stay in. My sister came up to keep me company and my mind off of the situation. I had ALOT of pain that day. I just thought my body was giving out since I had had lots of back pain and leg pain etc just from never getting out of bed for 3 weeks. I had never made it to a birthing class, never been in labor before, I had no clue what to look for. About Noon, My sister thought I was in labor. I told her she was crazy. Basically because the truth was I did not want to be in labor. I had 16 weeks to go yet! I told Josh when he checked on me that I was having pain, but nothing alarming yet. The nurses gave me heating pad and ice but nothing took the pains away. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and I was having a few here and there. Around 6pm the pains were so steady and painful I was moaning I hurt so bad. Because Brielle was so small, she could fly around in her sac and escape the monitors so it was reallly hard to get an accurate reading. Plus when I was in pain, I wasnt sitting still!!! My nurses kept coming in more and more frequently and at about 7:30 they said my contractions were about 3 min apart and I had begun to bleed possibly from Aydens sac tearing away from the wall. I also had a foul smell, probably from his body decomposing. My doctor was there by 8pm and said I was going for an emergency C-Section. I lost it! I kept telling Josh and my mom it was too early! It was too soon! But I didnt have a choice in the matter. My life was at risk for infection and Brielle wouldnt make it if they didnt take her. Who says she WILL make it even IF You take her right now?????????? It didnt matter, the decision was made, and it was a STAT C-SECTION. Josh was told he couldnt be in the room, which didnt make him happy. He had two babies and his wife being taken away from him and he couldnt do anything to help us. From what I was told, he was a basket case. He would pace the hall with his hands on his head, just waiting. Every person that came out of the OR room he would ask to be let in. When I was being wheeled out, I was bawling my eyes out, shaking like a leaf as I had no clue what was going to happen. My sister was crying so hard I thought she was going to collapse. She was 6 months preggo and didnt need this stress!!! Our parents were all there, just watching. Nothing anyone could do but pray!

I was wheeled into this stark white OR room. Something straight outta the fricken movies!!! I was shaking so bad they were trying to calm me down, but there was no calming! Trying to get the catheter in and I remember yelling at them. The "Good drug" guy said, should we just put you out, and I remember screaming "YES" to him. And that was it. The next thing I remember is my nurse, Heather Epley (the same nurse that admitted me the night my water broke, delivered my babies) saying my name over and over that it was time to wake up. I didnt want to! I asked her right away how she was. And she said "Beautiful 1lbs 6.60z baby. Shes doing great." Thats all I needed, Back to sleep! She wouldnt let me tho! They were all told that Brielle would be wheeled past them in an incubator and they would only see alittle glimpse of her. Brielle was doing so well that they stopped for a minute to show my family. She was intubated at 7 minutes of life. He Apgar were 4 at a min and 7 at 5 minutes. I was so wore out from the drugs that I didnt get to see Brielle til the next afternoon. This part REALLY bugs me, but what was I to do? It bugs me that our family got to see my baby before I did. Josh took in 3 at a time to see her after she was born and stabile. While I lay there too drugged up to go and in too much pain to. I was shown pictures, but its not the same. I fought so hard for these babies and it took me almost 17 hours to go see my baby. A normal mother gets to see her baby 5 seconds after they are born. I got robbed. I never got the big belly. I never got the big belly shower. I never got to wear maternity clothes. Never got to feel hiccups or kicks. I am grateful for everything I have today, but I still think about how differently everything SHOULD have been!

Tomorrow is actually Brielles 1st birthday at 8:52pm she was born! But I didnt know if I'd have time, so I posted her birth on here. Sunday 6/5 we have a huge party planned with family and friends. I am so excited I cant wait! A year ago today I didnt know if Brielle would make it. Alittle over a year, I didnt know if both of my babies would make it. Brielle is striving and a miracle each and every day. She amazes me daily with new noises, faces, babbling, movements, etc. I love that girl more than words can say. I miss my sweet Ayden more than anything. I wish he could be here with us today, but thats not the cards that were dealt to us. I have to put on my big girl panties and own up to it. I did what I could do and I cant continue to beat myself up over it! Hes gone. I wish I had a different ending to my story, but I dont. This is my life now. And Im quite happy.

Yesterday a sweet NICU nurse, Kathy, was in my work and we had a GREAT chat!! Last night another NICU nurse, Terri, Gave me a call to say she was thinking of all of us today. AWEEEEEEEEEE I am just in AWE how these nurses have become a part of our family and are so freaking sweet! I miss them! I dont miss leaving my baby with them daily, but I miss them! The therarpy sessions, the laughs, the crys, the reality checks! How nice of them to keep us in mind!!!


P.S. Ive gotten some wonderful comments lately! Thank you! I'm glad people are still reading the blog! I often wondered! To me, Its theraputic! I know so many people from all over the world have been following! I know I follow quite a few blogs and still wonder how they kids are doing daily! So I will continue for quite some time. Maybe even the next pregnancy and all its stressed I will have to make it to 24 weeks etc! Also, Ive gotten quite a few Anonymous comments and Im wondering who you are...... Where your from etc! If you want to remain anonymous thats great too! Or my email is a_jpeterson@yahoo.com and Id love to hear from you!

((Sorry for the novel))

Still baking last year....

A Year ago, I was still baking my twins in the Hospital. Staring at the same 4 walls. Looking out the same window and bridge. Dreaming of all the things I would normally be doing, but knowing I had a different task at hand. I had to keep my babies in as long. as. possible. Ha! Easier said than done. Tuesday marks the 1 year that we did our routine 3x a day heartbeat checks and couldnt find Aydens. My anxiety isnt as high and I had anticipated it to be. I think because I was so hyped up for May 7, when my water broke, to be so terrible, and I managed. Sadly, my boy is gone. There is nothing I, Josh, Drs, nurses, ANYONE can do to bring him back. Joyfully I have my little Miss. She is a hoot and I thank Ayden everyday for her!

Some of the things little miss is up to now-a-days!

Biting! O yes!! Brielle has 2 bottom teeth and she is a biting fool! She bit Josh the other day! hehe pretty funny if you ask me! Today she bit my toe, not so funny!!

Getting into EVERYTHING! She will roll towards every and any cord in plain view!

She loves to pull my hair and rip off my glasses. She even threw them a few weeks ago and broke them!

She has just started a fake cry yesterday. Its hilarious!!!! It doesnt even sound like a cry!!! (I really want to learn how to download videos on here!!)

She learned Tuesday how to move her walker!! She loves to go down the driveway....Up not so much yet! :)

Sitting ALL BY HERSELF! Shes doing amazing! No more drunken sailor or tipping over.

Gives kisses and hugs! Open mouth and occasional tongue, but HEY Ill take them!

I tell her to give me her hands and she grabs mine and pulls herself to a stand! Loves to stand big and tall!!

Holding her own bottle (most of the time! She still likes to be a princess!)

Chowing down solids like a champ! I havent had anything this kid doesnt like yet! She eats watermelon, peas, green beans, squash, sweet taters, nanners, mashed potatoes! & she loves her gerber puffs!! She takes them off her tray & feeds herself!

Shes a whoppng 16 lbs 3 oz! 25.5" long. Her 7 mo old cousin is 16 lbs! hehe little fart!

She loves to play in her swing outside!

She loves to talk on the phone!

She is obsessed with ice cream & del monte fruit pops! She throws a fit if you dont feed her fast enough or its all gone!

She loves her puppies! And they let her dig in their eyes and ears and pull at their hair!

She has the most gorgeous smile! Her giggle is adorable!

We recently just got Brielles 1 year pictures done, SO I will leave you with those :)

Just a year ago!

Wowzers did this year fly by!!! I can not believe a year ago today I have been in the hospital 9 days holding my babies in. I can not believe in less than a month my 24 weeker is going to be a one year old!! She has come such a looong way. I am more than happy with everything she has overcome.

Over a year ago....We had our long growth ultrasound May 6. We decided to invite our two mothers as a mothers day gift to see their grandbabies in action. They both loved it! As did we!! That night I didnt feel well. I had alot of cramps but the u/s tech was pushing on me pretty hard so I just thought that was why. I went to bed right after dinner. I woke up around 2am. I sat up and was extremely dizzy!! I felt like I had vertigo. It started to go away so I got up to go to the bathroom. Our bathroom is not far from our room, and half way to the bathroom a gush of water fell over my wood floor. My first thought, was, you dumbass you pissed your pants!! I went to the toilet to clean myself and got a towel to clean the floor. As I bent down to wipe it up another gush. I immediately starting crying and screaming for Josh. Josh, waking from a dead sleep to his wife crying and screaming, came running to me. I told him to grab my phone and dial my doctor. He still didnt know what was happening. I was still trying to gather what the hell was happening myself. I was only 20 weeks 5 days. NOWAY this could be my waters breaking! Josh dialed my doctor as I stood there with wet pants. I coulnt talk. I could just cry. My doctor happened to be on call and she called us back immediately. She asked us if it smelled like pee or nothing. I said nothing. She told us we needed to get to labor and delivery immediately and she would meet us there. WHAT? What do you mean? LABOR and DELIVERY? I cant have these babies right now! They arent ready! Im not ready! They wont survive! They wont make it! Am I loosing my babies tonight? What is going to happen? I threw on sweat pants and socks and away we went. I did not know what this meant. I bawled the whole way to the hospital as Josh made phone calls to our parents. There was nothing they could do as well, but we wanted them to know since we didnt know what this meant! We got to the ER and they took us straight to labor and delivery. WHY are they taking me there???? I cant delivery! Too soon!! I went to the bathroom to get changed into my gown and saw blood in my undies. I started to sob in the bathroom. I knew blood wasnt a good sign! I came out and got in the bed and told Josh this was it. We are losing the twins. He tried to stay positive, even tho I could tell in his face he knew it wasnt good. My nurse, Heather Epley, came in to do an amniotic fluid test to see if indeed my waters broke. I already knew the answer why even do the test! She didnt have to say anything, I knew. What I didnt know was what this meant for me. For my babies. We just had a miscarriage in November. Now its May and we are losing 2 more??? Why is god putting up thru this!! What did we do to deserve this!! She came in with an IV machine. She started me on the IV to ward of possible infection in me and Aydens broken water bag. She said I would be on the IV for 3 days. I said "O so I'm here 3 days?" I didnt know I was even staying the night! She said the dreaded words "O hunny! You are here til these babies come." WHAT DO YOU MEAN! I have 20 more weeks before these babies come! Even tho, in my heart I knew I wasnt going to last that long. I am a florist, it was mothers day. I worried about work, because thats my nature. I think I worried more about my assistant, Kelly. How was she going to cope without me? We didnt have a choice. I felt horrible. Every emotion was coming over me! It was about 4am now and my doctor came in to check my cervix and make sure I wasnt in labor. Thank god I wasnt and everything was shut. She confirmed that I had bacteria Vaginitis. The infection caused me to Pprom. WHAT? This is a dance that high school students go to. I make them corsages! What the hell is Pprom? She explained its Premature rupture of membranes. Early water breaking. WHY ME! Again, feelings came over me. I couldnt stop crying. I just wanted to give up at that point. I didnt know what this whole situation meant, and what would be the outcome! I am a person that has everything planned out and wants to know! I didnt know. My nurses and doctors didnt know. My doctors explained to me that being 20 weeks, there was nothing they go do to save my babies until May 30. (It was only May 7) They asked us to terminate. The risk of infection could kill Ayden and Myself. There was no discussing or talking with Josh, It was NO. No we would not! There is two beating heartbeats and we will continue until we no longer can. My mom, Joshs mom, My sister, my grandma, and my dad all showed up. There was nothing anyone could do. It was a waiting process at this point! I was in a labor and delivery bed and it was the most uncomfortable thing EVER!! My mom eventually bitched enough and got me in a nice big comfy bed! Hey! If I was going to be there for awhile, I want comfort! We got transferred out of the post op delivery room to a smaller room, which sucked because we both have such huge families and there just wasnt enough room. And so began the fight of my life to keep my babies incubated for 20 more weeks!!! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......

Overwhelmed with emotions

This coming Saturday, May 7, at 2:15am marks the one year anniversary my water broke on Baby A (Ayden) at 20 weeks 5 days and I was hospitalized for 25 days fighting to keep them in and failing. I have emense anxiety building up more and more as the day approaches! I miss my little Ayden more than words can describe! Everyday I look at Brielle and wonder what he would be doing. What would he look like? Would he be rolling too? How long would he have been in the hospital? Im sure sicker than Brielle. Maybe it was for the best god took him. NO NO NO NO NO! How could I even think that? Because I dont know what the hell to think anymore. I am so torn with emotions and I just dont know where to turn anymore. People keep saying that I need to look at my outcome and I have Brielle. YES I do! But I dont have Ayden. Ive said it before and I wont change my mind set. It doesnt take the hurt away having Brielle. Im missing one baby. Im missing a car seat. Im missing a crib. Im missing a baby boy in my arms. I shouldnt have a "cubby" for his remains in my living room. I should have a bouncer! Why did my body fail him? Why did my water have to break so early? Why did got have to take him??????? WHY WHY WhY!!!! I just dont fully get it. I know I will never have the answers. But damnit, Its time for some closure. Ive put on this happy face for everyone. Noone truly understand the real me. Not even Josh. I dont think he knows how much this kills me. Even he tells me that I have to be thankful for the outcome we have. I am beyond happy that Brielle did so well! All the doctors we came in contact with told us the scary outcome we could have. She ran the other way and defeated all the odds! But why couldnt Ayden have defeated those odds??? I am not the same person I was a year ago. In many ways I think this has made me a better person. But inside I want to crumble. Some days I just dont have it in me. I constantly wonder if I could have or would have done anything differently if Ayden would be here? If I would have went in on Monday instead of waiting til Thursday when I sensed the infection, would it have saved my waters? Maybe if I would have laid more still, he would have survived? Maybe I didnt drink enough fluids? What could I have done differently????? This is not the happy ending that we so deserved. We want more children, but Im scared freaken shitless. I CAN NOT, I repeat, CAN NOT do this again! I stayed strong the first time. I now have a baby at home. I cant lay in bed again. I cant emotionally do it! Ive been doing TONS of research and almost all of it says it is more likely to NOT Happen again, but what if. With my shitty luck, it would happen again! I cant do another NICU stay. I cant be on bedrest again! I am quite content with just Brielle. But I know deep down in my heart when she is 12 and we are beyond child bearing years, I will regret this decision. Josh wants kids like yesterday. It breaks my heart that we arent on the same page. He didnt have to lay in that same small bland hospital room for 25 days straight not being able to shower or even pee in a toilet!! He got to atleast leave. Im not saying it wasnt stressful on him, but it was just as stressful mentally on the both of us. The toll that laying flat for 25 days takes on a persons body is immense. I carried Ayden. As a mother I already had that bond with him. I now regret never getting to meet Ayden. I dont remember the hospital even asking if we wanted to see him. According to my father, we didnt want to. He was not in good shape. Part of me is grateful I have memories of my own and part of me is crushed that I just let him go without saying goodbye. Maybe thats where this no closure is coming from. In the beginning we were So preoccupied with getting Brielle to the stage she needed to be that I didnt even have time to think of my grief. We grieved at the funeral. Then we had to put on our good energy hats and go up to the NICU for our other child. I didnt want her to sense mama was sad. She needed me to be in my best spirit. Now that life is balancing out and we are settled into a routine and Brielle is doing OUTSTANDING I have the time to think. Im hoping after June 1 there will be a calming in my heart. I have such anxiety right now about may 7 ( Water breaking) and May 31 when we couldnt find Aydens heart beat and June 1 when Brielle was brought into the world WAY Too soon and I was scared outta my mind! Im hoping after June 1 I can breathe! I will officially have made it thru the first anniversary of the most traumatic bittersweet event in my life...........