Break Downs

Sorry I havent been blogging lately. I have stuff to blog about but I just couldnt. Wasnt in the right state of mind. So here we go.........

Brielle had the hernia surgery Feb 9 and came home SICK. It angered me ALOT since we shelter her as much as humanly possible so she doesnt get sick and miss out on holidays etc. and she needs to have a procedure and comes out of it sick. But whatever, life moves on Right?? I took her to the doctor after a week and they said its just a cold and if it doesnt improve within 10-14 days bring her back. Thursday was 14 days so I brought her in on Friday. Turns out she has her first ear infection. But Dr Kranik said his boy had 4 ear infections by the time he was Brielles age so shes doing pretty good. I didnt even think she had an ear infection because she showed no signs. I did mention it earlier in the week but that was it. He said shes a rockstar! We know! hehe

Now to my mental breakdown.....Tuesday we had speech therapy come in the morning and do a feeding on Brielle and she said her tongue was loosening great and flattening out like it should. GREAT! Then we had Occupational therapy come 2 hours later. Before they came I was cleaning and dumb me decided to spray that can air into my TV back to get all the dust I cant stand out! NOT A GOOD IDEA FYI! My TV threw a fireball out at me. I was so angry with myself for not thinking and I had Brielle in my arms which freaked me out the worst! Anyways move on!!! 10 min later OT showed up and started doing their evaluation on Brielle. Usually she focuses on Bri rolling over and sitting etc. Tuesday she was stuck on handing Brielle toys. She asked me if I noticed Brielle not using her left thumb. I said Uh No??? She said yes when she reaches with her right hand she hooks her thumb around the toy like she should be. When she reaches with her left hand she tucks the thumb under the toy and doesnt use it. GREAT was my first reaction. I immediately asked her if it had anything to do with her PVL lesions on her right side of her brain. The thing that we have been monitoring her for all along...Cerebal palsy. :( The words I didnt want to hear "YES" They watch her left side of her body so much because the lesions are on the right side of the brain which controls the left side of the body. I just couldnt take it. Im sure it was the whole TV thing and then the dreaded CP words but I couldnt handle it and spent the whole day bawling. I know and I tried to convince myself that she has it mildly and noone is even going to notice it unless I point it out but STILL! I dont want my child to be labeled as anything. And I shouldnt get too worked up because being a 24 weeker I KNEW from the start that there are potential problems. And my little miracle has overcome what alot of 24 weekers have not. I am on a board with other micro mamas and their little ones have feeding tubes and hearing aids and glasses and still on oxygen and we dont have any of that. I NEED TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS! Im done crying about it. It is what it is. I took one day off from being a strong mom and now Im back to reality. She is having us massage the fatty part below her thumb in hopes it will loosen up. If it doesnt she will be in a thumb splint. I guess if thats the worst thing that can happen then so be it! But I get very upset when people tell me that! I know its the truth but damnit Im a mom and I have the RIGHT to worry and be upset that my little girl has any sort of problem!

Okay Vent over...........!!

On a brighter (maybe sader) note....Brielle will be 9 months old Tuesday.......OMG!!

P.S. Brielle is 14.4lbs!!!!