Break Downs

Sorry I havent been blogging lately. I have stuff to blog about but I just couldnt. Wasnt in the right state of mind. So here we go.........

Brielle had the hernia surgery Feb 9 and came home SICK. It angered me ALOT since we shelter her as much as humanly possible so she doesnt get sick and miss out on holidays etc. and she needs to have a procedure and comes out of it sick. But whatever, life moves on Right?? I took her to the doctor after a week and they said its just a cold and if it doesnt improve within 10-14 days bring her back. Thursday was 14 days so I brought her in on Friday. Turns out she has her first ear infection. But Dr Kranik said his boy had 4 ear infections by the time he was Brielles age so shes doing pretty good. I didnt even think she had an ear infection because she showed no signs. I did mention it earlier in the week but that was it. He said shes a rockstar! We know! hehe

Now to my mental breakdown.....Tuesday we had speech therapy come in the morning and do a feeding on Brielle and she said her tongue was loosening great and flattening out like it should. GREAT! Then we had Occupational therapy come 2 hours later. Before they came I was cleaning and dumb me decided to spray that can air into my TV back to get all the dust I cant stand out! NOT A GOOD IDEA FYI! My TV threw a fireball out at me. I was so angry with myself for not thinking and I had Brielle in my arms which freaked me out the worst! Anyways move on!!! 10 min later OT showed up and started doing their evaluation on Brielle. Usually she focuses on Bri rolling over and sitting etc. Tuesday she was stuck on handing Brielle toys. She asked me if I noticed Brielle not using her left thumb. I said Uh No??? She said yes when she reaches with her right hand she hooks her thumb around the toy like she should be. When she reaches with her left hand she tucks the thumb under the toy and doesnt use it. GREAT was my first reaction. I immediately asked her if it had anything to do with her PVL lesions on her right side of her brain. The thing that we have been monitoring her for all along...Cerebal palsy. :( The words I didnt want to hear "YES" They watch her left side of her body so much because the lesions are on the right side of the brain which controls the left side of the body. I just couldnt take it. Im sure it was the whole TV thing and then the dreaded CP words but I couldnt handle it and spent the whole day bawling. I know and I tried to convince myself that she has it mildly and noone is even going to notice it unless I point it out but STILL! I dont want my child to be labeled as anything. And I shouldnt get too worked up because being a 24 weeker I KNEW from the start that there are potential problems. And my little miracle has overcome what alot of 24 weekers have not. I am on a board with other micro mamas and their little ones have feeding tubes and hearing aids and glasses and still on oxygen and we dont have any of that. I NEED TO COUNT MY BLESSINGS! Im done crying about it. It is what it is. I took one day off from being a strong mom and now Im back to reality. She is having us massage the fatty part below her thumb in hopes it will loosen up. If it doesnt she will be in a thumb splint. I guess if thats the worst thing that can happen then so be it! But I get very upset when people tell me that! I know its the truth but damnit Im a mom and I have the RIGHT to worry and be upset that my little girl has any sort of problem!

Okay Vent over...........!!

On a brighter (maybe sader) note....Brielle will be 9 months old Tuesday.......OMG!!

P.S. Brielle is 14.4lbs!!!!

Hernia Surgery

Brielle had her inguinal hernia repair surgery yesterday morning. Her surgery was at 7:15am and we had to be there at 6am. The poor girl couldnt eat anything past 12am. So I woke her at 11:35 and fed her a bottle and at 4:20am she was screaming in hunger! I felt sooooo bad as a mother!!! Bri doesnt understand that she cant have her bottle!!! I just couldnt wait til it was time to go. Daddy tried to soothe her but she wasnt having it!! So I decided it was time to head downstairs and PLAY! It worked!!!! Totally distracted her. She would start to whimper but then we would "change the subject." As soon as we knew it, it was 5:30 and ready to head to the hospital!! Of Course, she fell asleep in the car! We got there and was promptly taken back to prep her. Surgery started on time. and by 7:45am Dr Burkett was telling us she did amazing! He said there was a good size hernia sack so it was good we repaired it. They were now going to slowly wake her up. In 15-20 min we could see her. OKay so that was 7:47am when he left me. By 8:15 I was still WAITING! I was going insane!! All I could think of was that she wasnt waking up. I got up to look at the board thingy that tells you where her surgery progression is. Hers said PACU??? What ever the hell that means?!!? I was just going to go ask someone and the cellphone they give you RANG! Hallelujah! The magical words! "Shes ready for you to come back, shes just waking up." I quickly gathered up our stuff and dad and grandma Cindy and I ran back to our little peanut. One of the nurses was rocking her in their arms with some blow by oxygen but when she handed her to me they took it off her. She was starving so I fed her a bottle right away. She took the bottle, made alittle fuss, so we gave her some tylenol from the diaper bag and in 10 minutes she was back to HERSELF. She was smiling and giggling and talking up a storm!!!!!!!!!! I dont think this girl got the memo that she just had surgery!!! Needless to say (not that I need to say it, I think you get the drift) I WAS THRILLED!!! It was OVER! She did AMAZING! We were going HOME! My baby didnt even REMEMBER she had SURGERY! She was SMILING! She was TALKING to us!

We were supposed to be discharged and hour after her surgery, but that ended up being 3 hours. The Drs. one hour surgery turned into a 3 hour surgery. But you cant be mad at him!! They were SUPER nice about it!!! They gave us a $20 gift card to Target for waiting!! How cool is that!!??!!??

Today I went to work since its Valentines day and Im a florist. My mom watched Bri and said she was full of smiles!!! Back to her good ol' self! She is still pretty hoarse due to having to be intubated for the surgery as a precaution. But it should go away in time. She is currently sitting on dads lap getting a breathing treatment and SLEEPING! lol If only you could see it!!!!!

8 months old!

Brielle is 8 months old today (4mo 2wks adjusted)She weighs 13.4 pounds!! She is getting so fun!! I know I say that all the time but seriously I just love the time I spend with her!!She is developing such a personality its hilarious! She learned she can scream, and she uses it to her full advantage (aka get mom to do what Brielle wants her too). She is in her jumperoo right now and learning to use her legs to jump. Yesterday I looked at her and told her to say "mama" well she thought that was hilarious! She giggled and giggled it was sooo cute! She also started baby food! They had me start Oatmeal and/or rice cereal 2 weeks ago and told me to start baby food in a month but she got sick of the oatmeal too quick! I even added prune juice and oatmeal with apple or banana and nada. So I gave her some squash and she chowed about a half jar! She is doing so well with the feedings!

At our nephew, Fishers, Birthday party last weekend he had a balloon bouquet with a packer balloon, bday, and a solid gold star. Josh wrapped his present and had all red stars for him me and Brielle and a gold star for Ayden. At Christmas Fisher asked why Aydens name wasnt on his gifts. Hes 8. So Fisher took his gold star balloon and had everyone at the party write a message to Ayden and let it go. It was sooo very sweet for an 8 year old to have that kind of mind set! He was very emotional as well. Even my 4 year old nephew talks to him and knows Ayden lives in the sky. It just amazes me how we dont let his spirt die. Its been 8 months and I still remember the day like yesterday. I often look at my life and wonder what it would be like to have Ayden here. What would he look like? How would he be doing? Would he be a fighter like his sister? Have an attitude like little Miss? How would our lives be? I still find myself looking at the boy clothes in stores. Something just draws me over there. Im not quite sure what thats all about.

Brielle is grasping onto things like crazy!! She loves to pull my glasses off my face, she will grab my necklace and even sleep holding onto it! She LOVES when we hand her toys and they automatically go in the mouth! She has just started to like frozen teethers! She is trying hard to sit up but doesnt care to roll over. Im starting to wonder if she will ever roll over?